As we fall apart

It's Not Okay ~ May 2014

"It'll be easier to explain if you're here. Please?"

"Okay."

When Stephen eventually replied, his voice was smaller than normal, choked by a gnawing worry. Dec wanted to reassure him more than the suggestion that they could get it under control, to do all the things he would normally do to calm him down. But, for one thing, he didn't feel in control of his own emotions to be able to do that. And regardless, he'd lost the privilege of looking after Stephen with the end of their relationship.

Stephen hung up quickly and Dec sat there, listening to the dull tone drilling into his ear before passing the phone back to Ant. He took what little comfort he could from the weak smile Ant threw in his direction, accepting the squeeze of his shoulder with a hitched breath and fighting to stay calm. He didn't want Stephen walking in on the full display of his panic. It certainly wouldn't help his own turbulent state.

"Is he coming?" Ali asked, looking up from her phone. Dec nodded tightly, his gaze darting away quickly from the readily sympathetic smile on her face. When he glanced back, she was focused on her phone again, already half-heartedly trying some damage control. The thing with a tip off from the tabloids was, it wasn't a chance for them to get the story taken out, just a warning so they were prepared for what was coming.

When Stephen finally entered the room, already a little too pale, Dec stood up automatically, surprised that his legs didn't immediately give up on him, before unsteadily sitting back down. He couldn't help but notice Stephen zero in on him immediately, even if the glance was short lived. It was nice to know they shared the same instincts still, even after everything had gone wrong.

"What's going on?" Stephen found his voice eventually, hovering at the door but shuffling his feet as if he were considering getting further into the room. Ant, who had been pacing up and down the room until his arrival, patted a vacant seat, silently suggesting that he take it. Stephen ignored the gesture, worrying his top lip between his teeth and concentrating on Ali, knowing that she would both have the information and supply it with a reassuring bluntness.

"You might want to sit down," she said tentatively. It was the departure from her usual, no nonsense tone that seemed to worry him even more, pushing him across the threshold and down into the chair. His eyes flickered back to Dec, subconsciously seeking any ounce of comfort he could, but then returned to Ali when she started talking. "We've had an email about an article being run in The Sun tomorrow morning..."

"Okay," he murmured, jaw trembling slightly as he bit his lip harder. His hands interlocked tightly, making the skin turn red and then white under the pressure. Dec recognised every little sign, sure that Stephen already knew what was coming.

"It's about you and Dec," Ali continued, pausing long enough for him to let out a shuddering breath. "There are some quotes; an unnamed source but it all seems reputable. Dec says they're – accurate. There's also a couple of photos... it's a little hard to tell it's the two of you but, with the rest of the article, it's quite solid."

Stephen looked up when she mentioned photos but then he swallowed, his head ducking to the floor and mouth closed as he breathed unsteadily through his nose. The silence in the room was broken only by the unevenness of this breathing, sounding harsh against the backdrop of nothing. Dec could imagine how loud it was in Stephen's brain though; how he was running through a list of people who had no idea, maybe sorting them by how well they would take the news. He'd already dealt with enough from his family, never mind getting it from strangers who read a sensationalised article. It hurt so much more to watch him go through the same motions Dec had fifteen minutes earlier. Eventually, he blinked up at a fixed point on the wall behind Ali in silence. Dec was vibrating out of his seat, desperate to have him close enough to comfort.