Looking him in the eye shouldn't have been such a challenge.
Dec glanced up from his survey of the ground when he heard the door in front of him opening, just about meeting Stephen's gaze before he set his eyes just a little further down. He didn't want to look directly at what he no longer had.
"Hi," he mumbled eventually, suddenly all too aware of the awkwardly shaped box under his arm, trying to focus on that so he didn't start fussing over Stephen. That was impossible, given that he'd instantly catalogued the evidence in front of him – he still looked stressed out, he still looked tired.
"Hi," Stephen replied, clearing his throat so it didn't falter, "You better, err, come in."
Dec followed him down the hallway like he'd never been in the house before, this odd feeling of being a stranger at war with the sudden barrage of Stephen on his senses. It was stupid, wasn't it, that the house smelt like him? That Dec couldn't look at anything but the wooden floors because seeing any hint of personality on the walls would set him off?
"How are you doing?" He allowed himself a single question, just to put his mind at rest. Or not, as the case may be, because even after everything, he imagined Stephen would be honest.
"I'm – okay," Stephen said carefully, his tone of voice telling Dec all he needed to know. He wanted to ask more, to find out if the pressure from his family had let up, if that was what had caused all of this between them. He couldn't do that though. "How are you?"
For some reason he hadn't expected the question to be returned, for the ball to re-enter his court. He swallowed, feeling himself go to shrug automatically. But then he shook that off, putting the cardboard box down at his feet as if creating that distance was somehow symbolic. "Yeah - I'm fine."
His voice cracked minutely, something he hoped in vain would go unnoticed. When it made Stephen look even worse than he had on the doorstep, Dec started regretting sending that text. He could have lived with the stupid cardboard box taunting him every morning. He wasn't sure he could live with the repercussions of this visit.
"Dec..." Stephen began, making Dec's eyes flicker closed, his brows drawing together tightly. The aching familiarity was a stab in the chest rather than a comfort. Stephen knew this, of course he did, and stopped speaking.
"I don't have to stay long," Dec found his voice again, speaking towards the floor determinedly, "I just wanted to drop your things off." And check in, his brain supplied usefully, check he was still as alright as he could be.
"You said you wanted to talk," Stephen replied gingerly, sounding hesitant even bringing it up.
Dec found himself nodding, still trying to create that distance between them, to detach himself from it all. "I mean, it would be nice – to know what made you do it. I can't say I saw it coming."
Stephen was quiet, deliberating over something or other. Dec read that as him deciding how much to say, thinking about how little he could get away with saying. That meant he'd done something bad, didn't it?
(*~*)
Looking at Dec was like looking in a mirror.
A few weeks of stress that Stephen had put there had made a home in his expression. The weak flicker of a smile at the front door had never drifted far from the tight-lipped, pinched look Stephen was forced to endure now.
He didn't know what to say. The threat of the photo still loomed over him, even weeks later. Even though he couldn't believe there was one without seeing it, he knew Dec would unquestionably err on the side of caution, that it would add to that pain ingrained in every look. He had to keep his distance, to protect Dec in case it did exist after all.
YOU ARE READING
As we fall apart
Fanfiction"Maybe it would be best if..." "What's that supposed to mean?" "I don't think I can do this anymore." It felt like it came out of nowhere. They'd had a lot to contend with for a long time but still, after it all, they'd had each other. Until they di...
