Nothing was different.
The audience was just as loud, the judges just as talkative and hard to manage within the time constraints of live TV. It was almost a distraction, in the end, something for him to focus on entirely whilst he pretended the front of the theatre wasn't still full of journalists after a quote.
And even if it was tolerable, even if being on the stage felt oddly like a security blanket when he'd expected to feel like a caged animal, there was only one place he really wanted to be.
(*~*)
Stephen retreated to his dressing room quickly at the end of the show, overcome by a wave of indecipherable emotion. He wasn't sure what he'd expected; some sort of interruption mid-show or one of the guests making a comment; but the relief he felt after getting through it was so intense that he thought he was better off spending some time alone.
He slipped in through the door, turning to make sure it closed and then sinking his forehead against the wall, his shoulders draining completely of tension. He knew he'd been putting on a brave face, that Dec had needed something more reassuring than he felt capable of. But he'd given it his best shot, leaving him with his own head spinning, like he hadn't given himself the outlet he needed to expel his own nerves.
"Hey," Dec murmured suddenly from behind him.
Stephen startled, spinning around to face the other man and letting out a shocked exhalation. Dec's mouth flickered sheepishly, some sort of apology passing between them before he walked over to the door, pulling Stephen into an embrace.
"I'm so glad that's over," he said, his face disappearing into the crook of Stephen's neck. Stephen was surprised to feel the light trembling emanating from him still, more accustomed to it straight after a show, not an hour later.
"You were brilliant," he replied, meaning every word and being careful to sound that way. "Perfect."
He could feel Dec squirm a little from the praise, unsure of how to react. But Stephen just held him close more firmly, glad to feel the shaking ease off. He'd been waiting for Dec to lose his cool all day, sharing glances with Ant as both of them monitored the other man's anxiety levels. Stephen had thought he'd have been talking Dec out of more than one panic attack that day.
"I'm so proud of you," Dec said eventually, head turning until it was just one side pressing against Stephen's chest. The shorter man tilted his head upwards, eyes just about meeting Stephen's, albeit at an awkward angle. "Doing it on your own..."
"It's going to be fine," Stephen murmured, smothering his own sigh, "Just a few more days like this one and we'll be able to disappear for a bit."
Dec hummed in agreement, his answer muffled against Stephen's suit jacket. "Sounds nice."
In the silence, Stephen refocused on himself. He could still feel his heart pounding a little too quickly, knowing that it would be audible to Dec as he continued to rest his head against his chest. The residual surprise of seeing Dec in there had stayed with him too, the burning threat of nausea that had lingered in his throat all the more tangible now. He swallowed shakily, trying to reset his arms around the other man, to stop his hands from trembling quite so much.
On reflection, it really hadn't been the best idea to quash every suggestion of anxiety before the show. Even if it had been for Dec, he was paying the price now. It still felt as if they hadn't been live yet and he was waiting for that cue in his ear to seal his fate.
"How does that sound?"
Stephen concentrated on Dec's question, belatedly realising that he was missing some rather key information, namely everything that he had said beforehand.
YOU ARE READING
As we fall apart
Fanfiction"Maybe it would be best if..." "What's that supposed to mean?" "I don't think I can do this anymore." It felt like it came out of nowhere. They'd had a lot to contend with for a long time but still, after it all, they'd had each other. Until they di...
