"One last night of freedom and you're stuck doing this," Stephen broke the silence five minutes into the car journey to his parent's house.
The thought of the Saturday Night Takeaway tour starting the next day made the hair on the back of Dec's neck stand on end. He felt his hands grip the steering wheel a little too tightly and forcibly relaxed them, glancing down when they reached a junction to make sure the skin hadn't turned an unnatural white.
"I should probably be looking forward to it more," he admitted, his voice no more than a murmur. For once, he was grateful of having driving as an excuse to avoid Stephen's eye contact, feeling his gaze. He didn't have to look to guess that Stephen was probably a little relieved. He'd been asking leading questions for a couple of weeks by now, like he knew Dec better than he knew himself. That probably wasn't far from the truth.
"It won't make any difference if I tell you it will be okay, will it?" Stephen said eventually, a wonky, melancholic smile audible in his tone. Dec's eyes still flickered from the road to see the slight regret on his face. "You're gonna stress about it until you get through the first few shows."
"My only experience of touring, pretty much, was what we did back then," Dec replied. He shut the door firmly on the ready stream of reminders of all those times he had to put up with the attention of the media, to pretend there was a chance that his head would be turned by one of the many female fans they had. "Even back then, I only associated touring with people speculating about me and Ant, being vocal about how wrong it would be if there was something going on between us. I barely remember the adrenaline or the support - it's just... the bad stuff."
It almost felt strange to talk about now. He'd dealt with it on his own for all that time. By the time he'd come out to Ant, they had moved far beyond their 'pop star' phase, maturing into new circumstances which brought with them new challenges. And it had been the new challenges that Ant had helped with, not the ghosts of the past.
"It might help," Stephen said, the way he almost sounded like he was coaxing making Dec smile faintly. "You can replace some of the bad with good memories from this tour."
Dec's mouth flickered again, ever so slightly. "That would be nice."
He knew Stephen would hear what he was actually saying, about how it was probably an unrealistic expectation. Back then, being so young, every incident had tattooed itself onto his long-term memory. Having Stephen, being out, everything that had changed – none of it had erased the past.
"Maybe you can learn to enjoy it, even if you can't forget what happened."
Dec nodded, happier with that sentiment. Enough years had passed for that time to have been overwritten by more recent memories. He had piled them on top of those he wanted to forget, burying them to make it harder for them to rise to the surface.
He eventually forced himself to brighten a little, saying wryly, "You probably think I'm mad, looking forward to this so I'm distracted from the rest of it."
"I always thought you were a bit mad."
Stephen's tone teased a proper smile from him this time, as much as he tried to aim for a glare. It felt better to have moved away from the tour; he could deal with that when they'd got through the evening they now had planned.
It was only when they pulled up outside Stephen's parent's house that Dec noticed the other man's curled fists, his stomach clenching similarly at the familiar sight. He reached over, resting a hand at first just over his knuckles but then reaching around, prising Stephen's fingers outwards until his hand was flat against his leg.
"Don't do that," Dec murmured gently, exposing Stephen's palm and running a finger over the red marks his nails had left behind with a wince. Stephen had done it a lot, almost absentmindedly, after November (Dec couldn't believe that it hadn't even been a year since that) and the same habit had started to creep in since they'd been outed. Less frequent but still equally as concerning.
YOU ARE READING
As we fall apart
Fanfiction"Maybe it would be best if..." "What's that supposed to mean?" "I don't think I can do this anymore." It felt like it came out of nowhere. They'd had a lot to contend with for a long time but still, after it all, they'd had each other. Until they di...
