"Are we going to talk about this?"
Stephen paused in the corridor, turning around and trying to hide his surprise at seeing Dec. The question wasn't as reassuring as it could have been though; the other man sounded hollow, fed up, like he had no choice but to suffer through another conversation just so they could lay everything to rest.
"Maybe not here," Stephen pointed out, unable not to sound a little cold. He knew that Dec could get under people's skin when he really tried and he had been trying. He reacted with bursts of anger and didn't like showing that he was upset when he could look vindictive instead. And it was working to some extent. Stephen was tired of the poorly hidden glares and the way he went out of his way to avoid conversation.
The crew had probably noticed, if their subtle, curious looks were anything to go by. And it didn't help that they'd slipped so easily into pretending the previous evening; the difference when a camera was on had been painfully noticeable.
"Well, come on then," Dec nodded his head towards an empty side room, still giving nothing away with his expression.
It was worse, being trapped in a smaller space, feeling like there was no way out. It hurt; how much Stephen wanted things to go back to the way they once had been. He wanted Dec back, looking at him with overspilling affection, not as if he hated the ground he was stood on. It was awkward too – the silence stretched out instantly, filling every crevice of the room that tension didn't already seep into.
"What did you want to" – Stephen cringed at his own voice, seeming too loud and too tentative simultaneously – "to talk about?"
He regretted the question already, pre-empting Dec's eye roll, his disdain for having to spell it out. He didn't know why he'd thought it would be easier, letting Dec hate him just so they didn't miss each other.
He still missed Dec. But maybe Dec didn't miss him.
Maybe there wasn't much to miss.
"You..." Dec broke off instantly, frustration bubbling up and cutting him off mid-sentence. Stephen felt his shoulders curling protectively, rounding off to try and form some sort of barrier against whatever Dec ended up getting out. "Why can't we just move on from this?"
I don't know how.
"You're angry," Stephen said gingerly, wincing at Dec's glowering expression all over again, "It's hard to – to move on when you always look at me like – like that."
"I'm allowed to be angry, aren't I?" Dec retorted, seeming to ignore Stephen's aborted nod. "Every time I get anywhere near you, you act like the world's about to end."
Maybe it is.
"You're angry," Stephen repeated, trying not to get riled up. "I'm sorry I don't feel like having my head bitten off every time we get within a metre of each other. I'm trying to give you space."
"Can't you just grow up?"
Stephen felt his face twitch, not sure what had passed across his expression. Hurt, maybe. Discomfort, definitely.
"I don't want this to be harder than it already is," he said eventually.
"Oh, and it's so hard for you, is it?" Dec bit back, arms crossed over his chest defensively. "It was your choice, Stephen!"
No. No it wasn't.
Stephen closed his eyes, clenching his fists against his sides so he could feel his nails digging into his palms and focus on that instead of everything else. "Dec, can we – can we not talk about this here?"
YOU ARE READING
As we fall apart
Fanfiction"Maybe it would be best if..." "What's that supposed to mean?" "I don't think I can do this anymore." It felt like it came out of nowhere. They'd had a lot to contend with for a long time but still, after it all, they'd had each other. Until they di...
