As we fall apart

Out in the Open ~ May 2014

Once Stephen had left the room for a couple of minutes to phone his parents, they sat together quietly for long enough that Dec started expecting the bubble to be burst by an interruption from the outside world. But still, no one tried to interrupt them. He had no idea how late it was.

He'd thought about their reunion fleetingly at times when he'd dropped his guard a little, letting the hurt in instead of the anger. He'd never imagined the silence but found it reassuring now, comforted merely by Stephen's presence. The look on Stephen's face wasn't quite content, an evident strain present across his features. Dec didn't ask about the phone call, deciding to give him some peace for the time being – space to process whatever he was working through.

But there was a little too much to think about and he couldn't stop other thoughts from breaking through their little pocket of serenity for long.

"How much did the PR team ask you?"

"About us?" Stephen asked, startling slightly at the sudden break in silence and looking instantly wary at Dec's mention of the one thing that had destroyed everything between them. Dec could see how visibly guilty he still felt over it, almost apologetic for bringing it up again. But he needed to test a theory so he nodded. "Not a lot. They kind of just talked at me for a while and I was too surprised to deny it. Sorry – I guess I inadvertently outed you... or at least confirmed their suspicions."

"You're apologising for outing me?" Dec asked, smirking with faint amusement. "The night before it's in the papers?"

"I guess so?" Stephen said, wrinkling his nose and smiling wryly, "Not much point?"

"Not really," Dec agreed, "Especially since you hardly outed me in the first place. A couple of them have been giving me looks for ages. Not to mention the fake relationship plans. You wouldn't tell a straight person that, would you?"

"Why'd you ask?"

Dec held his phone up indicatively, open on the recently forwarded email from Ali that had shown up in his inbox. "Someone has to have said this stuff." Stephen held his hand out, finally giving in to curiosity and skimming through the story. Dec waited patiently, sometimes reading over his shoulder but mostly looking away, like he could still make all of it disappear if he tried hard enough to pretend it wasn't there.

"I didn't say any of this to them," Stephen said eventually with a shrug, "None of it is particularly profound though, is it? They could have pieced it together or just – guessed." He tilted his head and Dec glanced over his shoulder, watching him analyse the photos carefully.

"We could pretend it wasn't us," he murmured before he realised that he was speaking. And they probably could; two men, one noticeably taller than the other, and no real evidence that the photo was taken where they said it was. He knew it was a fantasy but bought into it all the same, almost wanting Stephen to play along.

"No one would buy it." Stephen locked the phone, passing it back with a tired sigh. He still mustered a half-smile for Dec, always trying to reassure him. "We'd only be creating more problems for ourselves. Even if we didn't – even if we weren't still together when either of us eventually came out, everyone would bring this up all over again. They'd say we lied; we'd have to admit we lied."

"I know," Dec whispered, noting his continued hesitance but choosing not to comment on it for the moment. "Just – did you ever think about actually being out?"

Stephen shook his head mutely, still looking as if he also wanted to pretend that wasn't their reality the next day. Dec closed his eyes, scared of going their separate ways when they were forced to go home. He didn't expect to get much sleep in the first place.