I Told the Stars about You

Chapter 2- Secrets in the dark

She never knew what she wanted to study. In my parent's eyes, they had to make that choice for her. Cassie believed in going with where the wind would take her. She believed in freedom, equality and art. She believed in beauty because that was all she was, that was all she wanted to know, that was all she made herself see.

I find myself awake, late at night the next day. The time, 3:40am. I know why I've woken up.

I recall her, knocking on our wall quietly, whispering my name. It's odd, the daze one finds themselves in between when you are dreaming and when you are awake. It seems like the things you see, you hear, you imagine, make all the sense in the world. They have always been there so it makes sense they are here now.

"Ash?" A pause. Then, "Are you awake?"

I give her a soft knock with the back of my hands, scraping my knuckles against the dark blue paint of my room, humming a yes. Others may have been tired, their eyes struggling to stay open, but I would rather talk to her than sleep. I'd never felt more awake.

"I want to be a painter" I can hear her fingers trace her wall and feel her smile through her voice "I always have, I love the way art guides me, shows me my path. I don't feel-" She seems to wonder whether to keep talking and finally sighs "I don't feel lost when I'm painting"

Silence for 3, 4, 5 seconds "I was always too scared to tell mum and dad. I still am to be honest. Dad is thoroughly set on me being a pilot. I mean-" she chuckles, says, "I never even liked flying. And he knew that. He still does, he just wants to get rid of his debts. And yes, you're right" I hadn't said anything, but I let her keep talking "He's a pig, an absolute ass but I still-am I messed up for saying this? – I still want to make him proud, I still need his consent, his green light. I just-" She cuts herself off then laughs, or cries, I'm not very sure anymore "So much for being a feminist, huh?"

I wish I could go over and hug her but she's next door, and somehow, it feels a world away. Somehow, she feels too far to reach, even with words. I'm scared that if I leave for a moment to walk to her room, she might say something that will be lost in the silence.

"I know you believe in me, Ash. I know you will always be there for me no matter what. It's just, sometimes, in the middle of the chaos, the noise and all the voices in my head, I forget about you. I am uncapable of seeing anything but the weight of the entire world in my hands, bringing me down. I think I'm so unlucky, so lost and alone even if you are right next to me" She sighs "I am sorry for being selfish, I am so, so sorry."

I want to tell her she isn't, that I understand, that I think she isn't holding the entire world in her hands because she is the world, but I feel like words are just ornaments at this point. I believe silence can say everything, but are beliefs enough?

"Cass?", I breathe out, unaware of how much time we remained in silence.

"Yeah?"

"I'm placing my hand on the wall now"

I hear a faint chuckle, then, "Me too, Ash, me too"

When the memory finishes, I'm sitting on the floor, my hand touching the wall, reaching out for her, only being greeted by a wave of cold.

***

I wake up on the floor, my body shivering slightly, my hand loose beside my body.

There is a moment where my brain seems to wake up and go into autopilot. It's just a second, but in that flicker of time everything is normal.

Cass is next door, playing Rod Stewart's Foolish Behaviour at full blast and I'm telling her to turn it down or the posters on her walls will break from the noise. Mum is making pancakes in the kitchen to make our Monday mornings more cheerful. Dad is being an asshole but mum makes him a bit better. He tries, if not for Cass and me, for her.