I Told the Stars about You

Chapter 6: This silence isn't loud

Being in Mrs. Plimmers office is worse than sitting through double chemistry. I find that the things meant to make me feel safe feel more intrusive than standing in a prison cell, being questioned by a detective. I can swear, that only happened once. Something else to thank Cassie for when I visit her grave tonight. I'll remind her of the words I told her that day, as she will never hear new ones again. 

"You got me out of a big one there, sis. I owe you" We're walking down the dark street, car lights mixing with the street lights to drive away the darkness of the city. Cassie is walking as fast as she can, eager to get us home before mum and dad see us gone. Just to spite her, I slow down my pace  "Maybe a coffee tomorrow?" At her scowl, I only laugh and shake her shoulders.

"Come on, let's be grateful I'm giving you anything at all! You do know" I say in a matter-of-fact voice "that if mum and dad had come to get me out, you wouldn't have slept a wink knowing you let your brother- Alright, yes" I add as she opens her mouth to add the most useless information "By 1 minute and 39 seconds- your little brother" A satisfactory smile tugs at her lips as I continue "You wouldn't have slept a wink knowing you could have helped me out and the lack of sleep would probably make you fail your physics test" 

She begins complaining so I squish her cheeks into a pout like I did when we were toddlers, making her words a blur of angry sounds.

"Hmhm. Yes. I know you're very grateful" I speak in a mock baby voice "I love my brother Ash sooooo much! I should be the one buying him a coffee for taking me out of my room to actually do something! If only-"  Her hand smacks over my mouth, my voice muffling into a soft laugh as she gives me her 'OH GOD YOU'RE SO ANOYING' face. 

"Fine" I give up "I'll get you a book instead" At that, all she gave me the rest of the week were smiles.

"Ash" Mrs Plimmer's voice pulls me out of the memory. I take in the room again. The rainbows on the walls, the smiley faces in all the photos, the motivational quotes lining the walls. In a photo in the corner, under the title of 'recovered students', is a photo of Cassie next to Rose. The warm white light from the lamp on the desk reflects off the glass on the frame, blurring the green background of the school gardens. Whoever put that photo up must have forgotten Cass died from suicide. She couldn't have been that recovered. The thought makes me want to smash the picture frame against the wooden table and burn the photo with the candle next to the blue sofa. 

"Ash!" I pull my gaze to the middle aged woman in front of me.

"Yes, Madam" 

"Do you know why you have been appointed to these lessons?" Her blue eyes are warm, and her face is soft despite the wrinkles lining her eyes from age. A small smile tries to pull at her lips, surely at an attempt to ease my nerves. In return for her efforts, I try to mask my own anxiousness with a tight smile, then remind myself to answer. 

That's how a conversation works, Asher. You need to speak. Being silent forever won't bring her back, for God's sake. My mother's voice haunts my thoughts, and clearly, my eyes too, because Mrs. Plimmer's gaze turns worrisome. In a flash of panic, I pull the words out of my lips.

"It probably has something to do with the fact that I've missed a month of school. And I punched Aiden in the face. And I passed out in a classroom and run from the doctors" I don't let the words get to me. 

Mrs. Plimmer doesn't seem to expect such a detached answer because she struggles to keep her calm complexion. Now it's my turn to smile. That's right, I don't like this anymore than you do.