I Told the Stars about You

Chapter 5: Rose

I don't go to school for the next month. It rains half the time and I find that I prefer it to the sun. I don't know what to do with something that used to make me smile so much and now makes me want to throw up. I steal a glance out the window, watching the rain drops cascading on the window pane, rolling down. Opening the window, I reach out my hand to feel the cold water on my skin, leaving it drenched in mere seconds. Just like tears, I think. Mine fall just as freely. 

With a frown, I dry my hand on my tee and close the window as I shiver. The warmth doesn't help. The cold has seeped into my bones. I pull my coat on and walk out, closing the door securely behind me, puffing warm breath into my cupped hands. When I turn to the street, I  almost fall down the steps to the pavement at the sight of her. I shouldn't be surprised. She seems to appear when I least expect her to.

"Let's go on a walk" She says, her hazel eyes piercing mine. I can't help but follow.

***

We're sitting on the edge of a cliff, our feet dangling off the edge, fearless of the only thing that keeps us in this world. The sun has reached its peak in the sky, lighting the world up to show it's brightest colours, it's beauty. I hate it. I envy it. All that people see when looking at me are my imperfections. Pick them apart as if that will stop them from picking themselves apart.

"We used to come here when we were kids, remember?" She keeps her gaze on the sea, although her words are directed at me.

"What?" I frown "I didn't know you before October"

We don't speak for a while but the silence isn't loud or uncomfortable. I bathe in it, swimming in my secrets, in everything unsaid.

"She looked at me and smiled, you know? She looked at me and laughed" I surprise myself with just how much I wanted to voice out the words- because saying them out loud might make it stay real.

"Who's this?"

"Rose. From Spanish a couple years ago" I elaborate

"Ah" She glances at me, but when our eyes meet, she averts her gaze as if there would be too much weight to carry if she was to asses what my irises said as well as the words I speak. I understand that. And yet, I don't let her off the hook.

"You know her" It comes out more like a statement than a question.

"She came over to the house a couple of times when mum and dad were at work." A smile tugs at her lips as she rubs her hands together "It was quite the laugh, I'd talk about the boyfriend I had at the time but only blush and smile when I talked about the other guy I liked, the one I would never be able to admit to like because it would hurt the person I loved most in the world"

"That was kind of you" The words taste like ash on my tongue. I don't know why.

"It wasn't. Because it made Rose mad. I never understood why she'd rush off or snap at me for no reason. It was because of him, of course. She couldn't get herself to let go of the dude. Pathetic." The last word seems to be more for herself. Her breath clouds in the air as she releases a sharp sigh, looks over at me, and, as if realizing I'm there and can't read her thoughts, she elaborates. "Not her, him. He never cared about her, he did her more harm than good. And when she came home one night, crying, with a bleeding lip and begging me-" She stops abruptly, as if realizing she can't find any words that could describe just what happened. My breath has caught. I feel like my flood has stopped flowing, and is slowly freezing as I understand more and more. 

I look out onto the ocean, as if the beauty of that vast expanse of sea will solve the imperfections that cloud my thoughts. I keep thinking how I didn't know any of it. I keep thinking how I wish I could have said something more useful at the diner yesterday. And then I change. I can almost feel the shift of gears in my brain, as if I finally understand something important and my world has changed.

I find myself thinking that I may have done the perfect thing by seeing her as a human being and not as the problems she has to face.

I begin to stand, thinking the conversation is over, but the Hazel-eyed-girl's words stop me short.

"You wouldn't know" she swallows hard, her voice barely above a whisper "You wouldn't know what it's like to see Rose- stubborn, independent, I'd-rather-kill-myself-than-let-you-say-'I told you so'- Rose- seeing her beg." She says "'I need to stay here for tonight. Please. Please. I can't go back there'." Silent tears fall down her cheeks. 

 How could the universe be so cruel? 

I don't know what to do when I see someone cry. I tense up and my body seems to think if I stay as still as a statue, it may help, so I do.

"I told her she didn't have to, ever, go back there. She kept thanking me, taking about how it could change now, how she'd break up with him" The memory gets a sad smile out of her "But that morning, her bed was empty, she missed school. So did Jason. The next day, I went to her house, her mum said she was in hospital. A gang had tried to steal her money or something, and she refused to give them anything so they-" I brace myself "Beat her up." The girls' blond hair falls around her like a curtain as she brings her knees to her chest, hugging them as if to keep her safe. As if to keep all of those bad memories hidden from the rest of the world.

"It-" She's about to break down again. I hope she doesn't. I have no clue what to do if she does. I bite my cheek, awaiting the tears. But she straightens, wiped the tears off her face, silent rage piles up in her eyes "It was no gang." All I hear in her voice is determination and strength covering up a broken heart. She's building a wall, brick by brick, to keep herself safe. "Jason was wearing gloves for the rest of the month. When they came off, he still had scabs around his knuckles. After a month." The hazel eyes meet mine, not quivering once."That's how much he hit her"

Silence. I can only hear silence. I can't process anything. It's too loud.
I want to through up. I want to through up and then kill this guy. That's all I can think. 

"How is he still at school? How?" I demand, desperately trying to cling to any sort of sanity I have left. Shifting through my thoughts, running around while sitting inhumanly still. Rummaging through my memories to search for anything that would indicate me remembering this happening. I can't come up with a thing. 

"Nobody noticed, of course. Who would? He's an angel at school. Top grades, scholarships lined up. Sports god or whatever." She gets up, rubs the grass and dirt off her jeans "Charming, of course, keeps getting her flowers and chocolates and paying for her makeup." A snort "Of course, the only reason she uses it is because she need to cover up the consequences of his anger issues"

She stops. Looks at me with nothing but sympathy in her eyes. As if she's been through everything I'm going through and accepted a terrible fate. 

"You should get back home, Ash. Mum and Dad will be worried" It's the best attempt at a goodbye she can manage. I can't find the strength to blame her. 

I can't bring myself to tell her how wrong she is. Instead I nod, and I let her walk away. Like I did the other day, like I'll keep doing until I can face my fears. I stay seated, watching the waves crash against the bottom of the cliff. Hearing the gull's cries, the wind whipping clean through the trees. My feet dangling off the high rocky edge. 

I think of the flowers snapped and discarded in the empty car park of the diner. I think of the smile that tugged at my lips when she stayed with me. I think of the genuine laugh and a smile that could light up the world.
You see him with my same eyes
I think of those captivating eyes. I think of everything she said, and how she still hasn't left a life so miserable. Rose isn't dumb. That guy can't destroy her unless she lets him. Jason has a reputation to uphold: all it would take would be a rumour and he'd never look at her again. 
Sometimes pain is an addiction. And a hiding place.
Maybe she's too tired to care anymore. Maybe she thinks she deserves it. Maybe she believes, if she walks in the rain enough, it will wash away the scars he leaves on her every day, and convince her that she can make it through tomorrow. Maybe she wants the pain.

It makes me think back to Cassie and how we'd sit on this cliff together when we didn't want to talk to anyone. Our silence was enough back then. Now I'd give anything for the sound of her voice. The sound of her breathing. There's nothing to hold on to but memories, I think, Those will too, eventually, fade in the hands of time.

"All that's left is your silhouette,  Cass" I whisper to the wind, to the sea, to the waves, to the drooping sun "And even that I cannot fare to touch"