I Told the Stars about You

Chapter 28: Wherever You Want

"I'm going to court"

Rose's voice over the phone doesn't really sound right. It's muffled, soft, yet the sound of her breathing isn't really caught. Her face isn't visible so I have to rely on the way she's stressing the words, court & going, as if the sole idea is so frightening she can't even think. 

After visiting her in the hospital after her accident, she told me to go back to school and do work. That if I missed any more lessons, my attendance would probably drop to a 25% and I'd have to retake this year. As I'm already resitting the finals, the idea of doing this whole year again didn't sound too appealing. Since then, I've been putting in as much effort into the resits of the exams as I possibly can, studying every day after school, playing attention in class and keeping up with basketball practice and Mrs Plimmer's sessions at the same time. As good as all this had been for me, I haven't seen Rose in a week. And the last time I saw her, I got to hear her updates: "Asher, you should have seen what they gave me for breakfast today- I mean it was worse than the PB & Jelly from the dinner and that says a lot!" A smile. "And god, what I'd do for a warm bath. Do you ever have baths? and we smiled and laughed about how they fussed over her (which I was silently really grateful for) while quietly wishing we could go be alone somewhere. I got a total of 10 minutes before the nurse was ushering me out of the room, telling me they had to do more checks on her. The fact that she's been there for 2 weeks tells me her injuries need to be monitored. Therefore they must be bad.

Therefore she shouldn't be worrying about court right now.

"I hope you're not losing sleep over this" I say.

Her chuckle reaches me throughs static, "No, Ash, just my sanity".

She's saying it like a joke, but the truth is hidden in there. I know what she's trying to say. That speaking about it with the lawyers, with her Mum, is bringing back the memories. That her thoughts are too loud. 

"I get it, I mean... You know with Mrs Plimmer? Talking about seeing Cassie after her death, talking about you and Jason... Worrying about Aiden and how he's doing with all of Cassie's stuff. All of it stays stuck in my mind for days after I speak about it. It's as if it were on replay" Rose gives a small hum, and I can almost imagine her nodding along in understanding if we were talking face to face "Basically, you speaking to all these people about traumatic experiences will cause a reaction from you. And it's okay, love" 

"I know- I'm just" A sigh "When I woke up I had this idea. Like, I'm going to get justice for what he's done to me and I'm done protecting him from his own actions and he can go to hell and just fuck off and-" Her voice drops the determination it held a second ago. "But now I'm just scared. I'm worried about seeing him in court and not knowing what to say and not saying anything at all."

I really wish I could leave the school right now, pick her up and take her somewhere where she'd feel safe. But I know there's only 5 minutes of break left and then I'll have to go to Biology. Rose would refuse to be picked up if she knew I had a lesson. 

"I'll be there for you, though" I say softly, a hand on my other ear to hear her over all the talking of the students on the outside bench. "I can be with you in the court room and support you through whatever you want and-"

"Look, Ash. I know. I know you'll be there and say all these sweet things but that doesnt CHANGE anything, does it?" She's taken on an angry, resentful tone and for a second I'm taken aback, thinking: what if I'm not good enough for her? What if me supporting her really doesn't make a difference to how she feels at all? What if I'm putting all this pressure on her and she can't handle it? 

I want to snap back at her, angry, spiteful. But I stop myself and think. Because, what if I had been through the same? What if I had been sexualised and abused since my young teens? And not just by anyone, or a stranger on the street, but by someone I believed I could trust and love and see as my equal. And when I think about that, I realise that Rose sees us as something temporary and painful because it's all she's ever known relationships to be. And she's scared I'll be there at court with her, and then leave. Or hurt her. Or use her. And she'd be too scared to leave me.