I Told the Stars about You

Chalter 20 - Consume

This has to be a new kind of torture.
As I'm standing in a crowd full of drunk teenagers dancing to the pounding music of the club, I think it's too unfair for someone to look that good.
Rose is dancing, and I never knew she could dance like that. Like the music is going into every cell in her body and lighting her up from the inside out, like she's water sinking into sand as a wave crashes on the shore, like she's a leaf in the wind.
I think I might be dying.

"You want a drink?" I turn towards Aiden, eager to get a distraction from what Rose's hips are going to me, what her smile is making me feel. Aiden shakes his head, nodding towards the drink in his hands, which is still half full. It smells foul, like somebody made a concoction of every spirit and designed a potion to get drunk in seconds. Aiden doesn't seem to mind, though. And the girl next to him doesn't either as she takes his face in her hands and starts kissing him.

Great. That's my cue to leave. Turning away, my eyes subconsciously drift to the girl in the gold dress. She seems happier now. It's been a month and she seems happier. It's been a month and I've never felt worse. Her broken wrist is almost fully healed. Aiden keeps saying there are people who have done much more than we have, and have less of a hard time during a break up. It somehow makes it hurt even more. The knowing. That we never actually dated. That we only kissed once. That all that feeling, all this pain, all that happiness and forgiveness and acceptance- it all came from her simple presence. I'd never noticed how good I felt with her until I've had to let her go.

Her eyes meet mine, and her smile falters for a second. The next minute, she's out the door and gone, nodding to the bouncer on her way out. And it takes everything in me not to run to her, to apologize, to try and find a way to simply explain how I didn't want to avoid her calls and her texts. How I didn't want to leave her alone when she was opening up to me after a traumatic experience. How I didn't want to look away from her when the teachers congratulated her on her final year results, and proceeded to comment on how she'd helped tutor me. How I didn't want to leave the videos she sent me to help me with French and history on read. I didn't want any of this at all. I just want her.

I keep looking at the door hoping the message makes it's way to her by some miracle. That she knows I'd never not want her, but that I'd let her go to save her from pain.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn, finding Ryan frowning at me.

"You know there isn't anything else you could have done" He says, "Jason has kept true to his promise. He's not with Rose"

That was true. By what I had seen, he'd never gone up to her at school, hadn't said anything about her and, when people asked, he'd just said it didn't work out. When I first heard him give that nonsensical answer, I questioned whether I'd seen him push Rose from her wooden wardrobe. I questioned whether he was actually that bad. Those thoughts alone were enough to make me scowl and level Ryan with an annoyed glare.

"So?" I ask, stepping towards me, "He's still there, being praised like a god for everything he does. He's still got that power because Rose is unhappy without me, and I'm fucking dead without her" I gesture at myself, frantically. "Don't you see?"

I know he can see the weight I've lost, the bags under my eyes and my dishevelled hair. The missing dimple on my right cheek. Ryan nods, as if in confirmation and makes to walk away before pausing halfway.

"If you want to join the basketball team, for the stress release, you're always welcome" He smiles sadly "You were always the best out of all of us"

When I don't reply, he leaves and I'm left standing in the middle of a crowd of strangers, dancing, loud, pounding music breaking any line of thought I try to begin. I turn my head up toward the lights and let it all wash over me, making me forget the pain and the past I hate and the future I want. I look up, and I let it consume me.