Liability

Chapter 25

TW: Self Harm

I went home and opened the door.

"Where have you been?" I saw mother with a scowl on her face, tapping her foot on the floor.

"There was a traffic jam." I said.

"You lying piece of shit." She came close and wrapped her hands around my throat, her finger nails suffocating my airway.

"Please...mother. I swear...there was a traffic...jam." I choked on my words and tried catching breaths.

"You whore." She said and slapped my face with her free hand. "Go to your room, I don't want to see your ugly face." She yelled. I scurried away to my room, hands holding my wounded throat.

After so many years of abuse and violence, tears never gathered in my eyes anymore. Instead my nose started running and only one thing was on my mind. Razor blade. I closed my door and dropped my bag on the floor. My breathing was not normal yet. I went straight towards my closet and opened a box that I hid under my clothes. I found what I needed and started undressing. My heart was beating fast and my mind was running a thousand miles per second.

I touched the sharpness of the razor blade and felt the cool steel touch my delicate skin. I aimed it towards my hidden spot of self harm. My thighs. My only solace of numbness. I dragged it across my skin and felt the sharp sting of a fresh cut. The smell of iron hit my nostrils and I breathed it in. Numb. I felt numb. The hurt in my throat didn't matter anymore. The sting of the slap on my cheek was a distant feeling. Just as I was about to drag the razor for another cut my phone started buzzing in my bag. I put aside the razor on a napkin and started searching my bag for my phone.

ACE: What are you up to?

I stared at the screen and felt tears rushing to my eyes. No. I will not cry. I have no more tears to spare. Why would I even cry? He's not hurting me. But oh yes he will, I mentally answered myself. I stared at the screen some more and decided to not reply. If I control my emotions and actions, they will not surface. Suppression was my anchor, keeping me intact. My life was already fucked up enough and everything always became ruined so why should I create something that I know is bound to be ruined or worse...bound to ruin me even more.

After a long while with the air filled with silence and numbness, I made sure to hide my razor blade and went straight for my bed. Sleeping was another anchor, not as sweet as suppression and self harm but close enough. I took a deep breath and darkness took over.