The Sh#% Your Parents Should Tell You

Don't Strive for Success

Don't strive for success. At least, not before you define it. 

I know we're told the opposite from pretty much the time we come flying out of the womb, "Be successful. Strive for success."

We're urged, groomed, pressured to become successful. It's why we're told (and often pressured) to work hard in school and get good grades and go to a good college and get a high paying job. It's why we spend millions upon millions of dollars on books and seminars and other shit we dubiously need in order to answer the question that incessantly haunts our minds: How do I become a success?

We do all this before we have a clear, meaningful answer to a more fundamental and necessary question:

What does it mean to be a success?

That's probably not a conversation we typically have with our parents or anyone for that matter. That's probably because we all assume we know. We have an image of success in our heads – lots of money, big posh house, at least two fancy cars, a job title that impresses, lots of responsibility, hot spouse, awards and recognition. Some version of that, right?

But why is that our measure of success? Where did it come from? Why do we so rarely question it?

Have you ever noticed that that measure of success has nothing to do with what kind of person you are or what good you've actually contributed to the world?

The fact of the matter is you can be a complete dick and achieve those material measures of success. You don't even have to be particularly smart or talented, much less compassionate and kind, and you can still be wildly successful in those terms. I guarantee you Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates weren't the smartest person in the room, much less the kindest. They were simply the greediest and most egotistical.

What's really crazy is that material measures of success don't actually make you happy unless you are already okay with yourself. No one tells you that. But it's true.

When you make material conditions a requirement for success, you get stuck in the vortex of "more." The new thing you buy, the award you just won, the raise you just got, makes you feel good, for a time. But, soon it becomes old news, used up, worn out. And then you'll crave another new or sparkly something to buoy your spirits again. So, you'll buy something new or do something to gain attention, but that, too, will fade and no longer satisfy. And then you'll crave another new and sparkly something and so on until your home and life are packed with things you don't really need. Or lacking the means to accumulate cool stuff or impressive recognition, you drown in frustration and an unwarranted sense of inferiority.

How is that success?

But if we don't define success in those terms, how can we define success? Glad you asked.

Material measures of success are focused on personal outcome, the ends not the means, the what's-in-it-for-me? An alternative way to define success is to focus on the how – how you're working toward your goals and how it's affecting those around you.

For example -

Are you learning from your mistakes? Then you're a success.

Are you striving to make the world a better place in any small way? Then you're a success.

Do you treat everyone with kindness and respect, regardless of who they are or what you have to gain? Then you're a success.

Have you gotten yourself through the day without causing harm to another human being? Then you're a success.

Have you taken care of another human being, provided them comfort or encouragement or support of some kind? Then you're a success.

Have you taken a step toward a goal you set for yourself, no matter how tiny that step might be? Then you're a success.

When we define success in terms of process rather than material outcome, when we shift the focus of success from personal gain to collective benefit, our efforts not only become more fulfilling and meaningful, they literally improve the world around us. They heal and build up. They move us toward peace and safety.

How is that not success?

In any case, at least ask yourself the question before you set yourself on a career path, before you set goals, before you make decisions, form relationships, go shopping, get out of bed in the morning. What does success mean to you? Why? And are you truly okay with that definition?

Our definitions of success profoundly shape the mark we leave on those around us and the kind of community we build. What sort of mark do you want to make?