Friday, 2nd June 2021
I am loved.
I am loved unconditionally by many people, and I love them all with all my heart.
I'm lucky and I never forget it or take it for granted.
I'm grateful. I love being loved.
But, sometimes, I am suffocated too.
I'm suffocated by all the constant messages they send me.
When my dad doesn't let me walk alone.
When my best friend wants to hang out all the time.
When people get worried that I'm quiet when I'm just wanting not to be there. I'm not unhappy or mad or sad.
I'm just yearning for the moment that I'm alone, in silence, in peace.
I'm yearning the walk where I'm only feeling the breeze on my skin, listening to music and feeling carefree.
Independent, doing my own thing, being my own person.
But I'm so loved. Loved to the point that sometimes I can't breathe.
I'm ashamed to admit it. And I don't mean to sound spoiled, specially not ungrateful but...
After working for four days and going to school five. After being surrounded by people day and night. After my birthday party where I was also surrounded by loved ones. I needed a day off. I needed to read my new books and workout and simply be alone. But my best friend wanted to hang out and I had to decline. My mom wanted to eat lunch and I also declined. But friend of mine called me and I couldn't decline this time. Iwanted to walk to my mother's house but my dad wanted to drive me and didn't let me say no.
I love them, I would die for them.
But it's suffocating for an antisocial to be so social. And very few understand that and I respect but Jesus... I need to breathe.
All of this just makes me feel stupidly unhappy and frustrated.
I'm sick and tired of living in this contant state of feeling obligated to do things i don't wanna do. And I know, I know it wouldn't be healthy for me to be alone all the time but they don't even give me enough space for me to miss them.
Sometimes I try to reach out, to explain what I'm feeling but no one ever understands the depts of it all. That is if they listen, most times no one does. Or they say they do but two days later it's the same shit all over again.
I am surrounded by loved ones but nobody's listening.
All of this makes me want to scream.
I'm just so tired.
YOU ARE READING
Head High
Non-FictionI am eighteen now, and still scared. I haven't always been a scared person, life somehow made me that way at some point. Over the summer I learnt to fight back. I am still scared, but you don't know. Because I have my head held high. And mark my wor...
