Head High

Nineteen.

Sunday, 17 May 2020

And just like that,
I'm nineteen.

Every year on my birthday I try to reflect on everything I learned. This year isn't going to be different.

The more I stared at the thought the more confused I get.

This year I didn't overcome much, a lot of my issues and insecurities were born when I was still a tween. Other came along the way and clung to me.
And it's okay, I have time.

I didn't overcome much, but I accomplished so much.

I started reading again.

Last year something snapped inside me and I just couldn't do it.
I was completely blocked which sucked because I lost my way to escape reality.

Now I've completely surpassed it, and finally welcome what each book has to offer.

I've been trying to write again.

I didn't stop because I had nothing to write about or because I didn't like it anymore. I stopped because I simply couldn't put my feelings to paper, and it was killing me.

I'm still not where I need to be but I'm trying, I'm fighting for something that means the world to me.

I got in to working out again.

I never thought I would to be honest, but with quarantine and the thought of getting fat made me explicably afraid. So with all the strength I had, I started.

Now it's just a normal part of my schedule, and running has been helping with my anxiety.

But the most important accomplishments were in the little things.

Forgive and ask for forgiveness.
Being more patient when I just want to storm out.
Learn things that before I wouldn't have understood at all.
Strengthen friendships.

Be grateful for everything and everyone I have.
And most importantly of all were the memories I created.

From dancing in fancy clothing with my prince best friend under the stars while freezing our butts off.

Having crazy photoshoots with my childhood best friend and end the day reading and watching the sunset.

Night walks and deep talks with my girlfriend best friend.

Painting in the park while drinking.

Hanging out with my group.

Decorating my room.

Bugging my dad.

Sleeping with my cat.

Everything.

I am proud of the person I am aspiring to become and that's all thanks to the wonderful people by my side.

And I am so grateful for the people I love. Without you, none of this could have happened and I wouldn't be the happy nineteen year old I am today.

I am also grateful for the times I wanted to give up and I didn't, all my shitty decisions, the dark paths I went through, all the mistakes I've made.

Had to fuck it up before I really got to know me.

(Oh, and most of all... I'm grateful for Will Herondale).