25, October 2019
"But tomorrow I have go back to school. I can't skip anymore classes.
Only the thought of entering the gates of the school made my heart pound uncontrollably.
I've been inside my confort zone for way too long. I saw this coming from miles away, but there is nothing I could have done about it that would've changed the situation I'm in right now.
I'm afraid. Not of something in specific, just about everything that hasn't been in my reach in the past couple of days."
Thursday, 18 September 2020
This was me, after a couple of days at home sick.
Imagine how I'm feeling right now, after months in quarantine.
I'm terrified.
Every inch of me is trembling. I keep checking everything to see if it's all in order.
I keep checking my outfit and hair just to make sure it didn't turn ugly in the last two seconds.
I'm trying to reassure myself that it will be alright.
But the thought of the people, screaming and loud noises. Going through crowds and people inevitably touching me.
The teacher's eyes on me. The idea of other people's eyes on me.
Absurd thoughts going through my mind...
What if I forget my bag?
What if I'm late?
What if I fall?
What if they think I'm ugly?
What if I throw up with my mask on?
What if the teacher asks me to read?
What I get a panic attack in public?
What if I can't find my friends and end up alone?
I need to clean my room or else tomorrow will be a bad day.
I need to workout or else I will have a bad day.
My cat has to sleep with me or else every will go wrong.
What If I can't handle it?
What if I start doing bad things again?
What if I'm not good enough?
What if things get bad again?
I know I'm supposed to be strong, I need to be strong, but my thoughts are killing me.
I hate this, the way my mind and body work.
My heart races just by thinking of going back to school. To civilization.
I will get through it.
I always do one way or the other.
But... Fucking hell.
YOU ARE READING
Head High
Non-FictionI am eighteen now, and still scared. I haven't always been a scared person, life somehow made me that way at some point. Over the summer I learnt to fight back. I am still scared, but you don't know. Because I have my head held high. And mark my wor...
