Sunday, 1 November 2020
No.
This is not happening, not again.
She is in so much pain, I know this. I can almost feel it exploding out of her even when she pretends it's not.
She pretends so well, sometimes I wonder if it's all in my head. But no.
I almost lost her, for the third time.
I haven't been in this position in years but the feelings that come with it didn't change, at all.
Only increased. It's almost unbearable.
I feel helpless, I feel confused, I'm anxious, I'm alert all the time.
I feel scared, so much more scared. I'm terrified. I am scared of doing or saying the wrong thing all the time. I'm scared I won't see her again.
And it hurts so fucking much.
How am I in this position again?
My body is literally vibrating as if it's going to explode because of how much is holding in.
My head is all over the place and my heart is throbbing.
I can't imagine my life without her, while all she thinks about is ending hers.
I just wanna scream.
I don't want this,
I don't want this,
I don't want this,
I don't want this but it's completely out of my hands. I can't control anything.
This is all up to her.
I'm completely and utterly powerless, and I cannot handle it.
It's driving me insane.
It's killing me.
There is nothing I can do if at the end of the day she decides she just doesn't want to live anymore.
Part of me feels triggered, but I would never tell her that.
There is this little voice in the back of my head saying, "this is so unfair! If she has the right to do it, why don't I?"
But no. This may be a familiar position, but I won't make the same mistakes again. I can't.
I won't let myself go, there's no way.
I have to fight back.
And so does she.
She has to fight, even if she doesn't believe me, I know she can fight. She just has to want to.
If I could I would do it for her, I would take all her pain away.
But there is really just one thing I can do, even if it's not enough.
I can love her deeply, like I always have, but that is all I can do.
And in the end if something happens, I can't love her back to life.
YOU ARE READING
Head High
NonfiksiI am eighteen now, and still scared. I haven't always been a scared person, life somehow made me that way at some point. Over the summer I learnt to fight back. I am still scared, but you don't know. Because I have my head held high. And mark my wor...
