Head High

A year ago, today.

Saturday, 4 April 2020

I remember it as clear as day.

If I try hard enough, I can still feel the pain at the tip of my tongue.
The sadness.
The anger.
The confusion.
The fear.

Back then I believed I was a lost cause, that the sadness would last forever.
I kept messing up, hurting myself, hurting others, all because I felt I had no other choice.

That person was me and there was nothing I could do about it.

And then we broke up, and I opened my eyes.
To everything everyone had been telling me that I didn't want to believe.

As much as I loved her, we were not good for each other.

Yes, we understood some of each other's pain but that didn't make us evolve together.
It made us sink one another.

I kept doing wrong things because I saw the person beside me do it too and when you're vulnerable it's almost impossible not to cave in.

I was in the wrong place and so was she, there was no way we would be right.

When we broke up I felt like I broke myself too.
I thought I would never fall in love again.
I thought I would never be happy again.
I thought I couldn't live without her.

With no one to wake me up from my nightmares. To hold my hand during crappy situations. To listen to me and understand what I'm saying.

But today, it turns one year since we broke up, and I just can't thank God enough that we did.

It also turns one year since the last time I cut myself.
I've never been sober for so long. And I am sure I wouldn't have been able to sober up with someone struggling with the same by my side.

I don't need anyone to wake me up from my nightmares, because I don't have any anymore.
To hold my hand through crappy situations because now I know I can stand alone.

And yes I do need someone to listen to me, and I have so many people to do so, I only didn't see them because we were so tied together.

I fell in love again, even though I thought I couldn't.

I found happiness, true happiness not a shallow one that I could barely touch. That only showed itself when I was happy in my relationship.

I lived without her, really live.
And for myself, not for her or any other person.
With them.

This year has had its ups and downs but I experienced so many great thing and have so many good memories.

Our break up was ugly, it left scars in me that took a lot to heal.
But they did, because after all that confusion, anger and sadness, comes forgiveness.

Yes, sometimes I wish that nothing had never happened and I had never even a met her, but when that happens I have someone to tell me that everything that happens, happens for a reason.

I needed to be broken, to be fixed.