Let Me Carry You (Carry You Home)

4: Baited Breath

Waiting in lines always made Carina itch with impatience. Ever since she was little, Carina liked to be on the move, doing things, getting what was on her mind done. Her mamma used to say that she had ideas taller than she was, and that only became more true as Carina grew older. She'd never been one to deal well with waiting, as Carina wanted to get what she needed to do, done, and move on to the next thing.

Yet, the waiting room of Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital, waiting for surgery to finish, was an entirely different beast. Stress, anxiety, uncertainty and fear serve to make even the shortest of waits seem unbearable. Carina had never met this girl, yet Carina felt like she was going insane with worry.

Surgery was not instantaneous. Carina knew that much. The last time that someone Carina cared about went in for surgery, they died. Andrea's passing had left a gaping hole in her heart, a chasmic void that she felt would never be filled, and the feeling of knowing that there were risks involved...

Carina had practically paced a hole in the floor of the gallery.

In all honesty, Carina didn't know what it was about this little girl that had struck a chord within Maya. Even Maya herself didn't know, but Carina had suspicions that when Maya saw Sarah, this grief-stricken, recently orphaned child, Maya saw herself in a role that she famously said she would never have. Maya always said she didn't want children, and as much as Carina respected that boundary, Carina knew that Maya would be a great mother; Maya had so much love to give. She was impossibly kind, generous, and would move the earth itself for the people she cared about.

Carina had always known that personally, she wanted to be a mother. She wanted to experience carrying a baby, giving birth, all of it, but she knew that sometimes, life did not take into account dreams and ambitions. She was only getting older, and Maya still wasn't wanting children.

It was hard to let go of a dream, to realize that it might never happen.

However, there were other ways of becoming a mother; fostering or adopting. And sitting in the gallery of operating room one at Grey-Sloan Memorial, Carina thought that maybe, just maybe, they could take that step into the realm of parenting, for this child. This little girl that had captivated Maya on a call.

Carina's mind racing as she struggled to process what everything that she just saw. She remembered the anguish in Maya's voice as she told Carina about that girl; Sarah. How she lost her family to something so horrific, and that they couldn't even catch the guy who did it. He seemed to have disappeared off the police department's radar, and that was infuriating in itself.

But now... On that table, that girl; barely a teen by the looks of it, looked ready to vanish.

Carina had seen death before; she saw it take her mother all those years ago, and she saw it take her brother just under two years ago. She could feel its presence here, in the operating room, waiting to take this little girl. Carina felt so angry. There was no justice or fairness in life, no reason as to why horrible things happened to good people.

But it couldn't take Sarah. Carina refused to witness her death. That girl had to live.

Carina muttered a prayer and texted Maya that they were starting.

———

Down in the OR, things were moving quickly.

Being a surgeon meant keeping a calm and cool composure even in the most heart-wrenching scenarios. It meant being able to table individual feelings, and set them aside for the good of the patient. Sometimes it was harder than others, and most of those times where when their cases involved broken and mangled children.