Let Me Carry You (Carry You Home)

11: Confessions

Trauma. The lasting emotional response that often results from living through a distressing event. Experiencing a traumatic event can harm a person's sense of safety, sense of self, and ability to regulate emotions and navigate relationships. Long after the traumatic event occurs, people with trauma can often feel shame, helplessness, powerlessness and intense fear.

It was a funny thing. Trauma was never linear, and continued throughout her life, no matter how many therapy appointments, exercises... Maya worked diligently on overcoming her childhood trauma, and it was frustrating to say the least. There was so much that Maya didn't know, so much that had been blocked out.

She'd learned early on in therapy that the reality of her early childhood might remain a mystery. Undergoing serious trauma can result in the brain forcing memories out of the mind in an attempt to protect and preserve.

Maya felt as if she was constantly learning and re-evaluating how trauma was perceived.

With all of Sarah's things from her old house secured in the car, they left immediately for the station, all the while, Maya felt like she was spinning out. She couldn't stop repeating Andy's words over and over in her head, wondering what could have possibly happened. What could be going on? Was everything okay?

Her mind was whirling with anxiety, the possibilities... everything. It felt impossible not to panic, to melt down then and there from the nervousness bubbling inside of her. Her instinctual reaction was to get out of the car and run, to sprint until her thoughts slowed. Running was such an instinctual reaction of Maya's, and her preferred coping mechanism. It had been her solace ever since she could remember, and it started as early as three years old. Running had always been something she could fall back on; it was her escape. It was the only place where her mind slowed down and she could forget about all her troubles and anxieties. The only place where her body seemed to settle.

Yet, Maya couldn't do that now, because she had a child with her; her foster child who she was legally responsible to care for, to offer a loving, healthy home. Sarah was in the front seat and could sense Maya's tension, biting her lip anxiously. Not only was her anxiety through the roof just by being in the car, which seemed to be a recurrent fear, Sarah felt torn. Sarah had bared her heart to Maya back in her old house, but still felt like she would be overstepping if she tried to help Maya. She didn't want to offend or imply that Maya wasn't capable of soothing herself, because her biological parents had taken those offers of help like a personal attack. It always triggered an angry response, often a physical one, and the last thing Sarah wanted to do was to upset Maya.

But, Maya wasn't like them. Maya hadn't struck her. Maya wouldn't take away basic necessities. Maya hadn't kicked her out of the house as young as seven and told to spend the night somewhere else. Doubt seemed to fester in Sarah's very soul as she wrestled with her mind on what to do. Maya always helped Sarah through her feelings with kindness and love, and it felt like the least she could do to offer comfort... Right?

When they hit a red light, Sarah's instincts took over. She placed her hand on Maya's arm in an attempt to calm her down. Maya took a deep breath, grabbed Sarah's hand, taking it in her own. Sarah's presence was a reminder that Maya had grown beyond the version of herself that Lane had made her into, and that she wasn't alone any longer. She didn't have to face her problems alone. Sarah's hand, which rested on Maya's, was enough to allow Maya to take deep breaths and soothe herself.

"Thank you," Maya murmured, and Sarah nodded, happy that she'd begun to grow out of that version her own parents made her into. Maya wasn't them. She was different.

Driving carefully with Sarah next to her, her foster daughter's arm on her own, they soon got to the station, set Sarah up in her wheelchair and walked into the barn. Maya frowned upon seeing the team crowded around something.