Let Me Carry You (Carry You Home)

10: Ghosts of the Past

What more was there to say about facing fears? About coming head to head with pain?

Sarah was dreading going to her old house. She knew she had to do it, but was dreading it all the same. If she didn't do it now, she wouldn't want to do it at all, because all of those feelings... overwhelmed her. Going back to the place she grew up meant addressing her grief and the guilt that thrummed through her veins, and Sarah wasn't ready to face it. It had been nearly a month and a half since the initial accident, but the wound still felt deep.

Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain. The normal pains we live with every day. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away, until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Carina and Maya both came to wake her as they always did in the mornings. Carina kissed Sarah's forehead before she left for work, bidding them goodbye and wishing them luck in today's tasks. Maya greeted Sarah with a tube feeding, and upon seeing Maya's smiling face, Sarah felt warm with joy.

She'd been so fortunate to meet Maya that night; little did she know on the worst night of her life, circumstances would lead her to her foster family. The night of the accident, Sarah had been struck with just how alone she'd felt. With her parents and sister gone, Sarah wept about how she was all alone, that there was no one left to love her, but weeks later, Sarah realized she had been so wrong.

The reality was that no matter that Sarah didn't have any biological family left, she wasn't alone, because Maya and nineteen were there. While she didn't know it yet, they would become the greatest family that Sarah would ever be blessed enough to know. Their kindness, passion and dedication to the people they loved made Maya, Carina and every member of both nineteen and the Grey-Sloan crew, beyond incredible. They filled Sarah with hope, with excitement, with gratitude, because they made time for her. They made it clear that Sarah was one of theirs, and that they would move heaven and earth to be there for her when she needed them.

So, even though Sarah was nothing less than terrified about going back to her parent's house, something that would undoubtedly be agonizing and trigger her bottomless grief, she wasn't alone; she'd never been. Maya was here, and just as she'd done the night of the accident, she would remain by Sarah's side to keep her steady.

"I don't feel very hungry," Sarah admitted quietly, and with a sigh, Maya sat beside her, placing the jug of formula on the bedside table.

"Are you nervous?"

"Terrified," Sarah murmured, her lip wobbling nervously, and Maya's hand rested on Sarah's hand.

"We don't have to go today, sunshine. It's perfectly okay if it's too much to face," Maya said gently, her fingers stroking the back of Sarah's hand methodically.

"If I don't get it done, I'll never want to do it. I think I need to face my fears," Sarah exhaled deeply.

"Okay, that settles it. You're braver than I am," Maya declared, and despite her sorrowful, heavy heart, Sarah snorted.

"As if," She dismissed, but Maya shook her head insistently.

"No no, it's true. You're like a superhero. Do you know that? You are willingly facing something that scares you because you know getting it out of the way will help yourself the most. You are so brave, Sarah. I'm fostering a superhero... Gosh, that's crazy. I don't think you're into comic books or any of that, but to put it in terms you might understand... Well, that's like dating the inventor of penicillin. By association, I should be famous. Maybe I can start selling autographs as 'Sarah's foster mom'. What do you think, sunshine?"