I stood there shaken to my core I couldn't believe what I had just heard they both left in a few minutes but I just stood there blankly comprehending the meaning of all this. My mind was filled with questions and confusion I felt the room closing in on me I felt that if I spend one more second in this house it will eat me up, I grabbed my keys and left the house without even taking my coat I started walking with no place I aimed to be the weather was chilly that night but that wasn't the reason I was shivering. My entire world had turned upside down all this time I thought that there was something wrong with me that I'm so unlovable, all this time I bared the accusations that I somehow was responsible for dad's death that I somehow was the reason he couldn't survive.
I wanted myself dead I even attempted it because I loathed myself for so long, I thought of myself as an abomination for so long and now I just don't know what to think what to expect or anything really my brain wasn't really able to processing anything I just kept walking. My heartbeat and breathing were so fast I felt like my heart would explode anytime but I just kept walking without any aim in mind or any destination. My brain wasn't really working still somehow I managed to take the keys with me that was the only sane thing I did after all that was revealed to me. I've wanted myself dead for a while always had this urge wanting to end the suffering and everything with it I sure as hell even tried it but now when death is near me I'm scared I'm exhausted maybe this is life's revenge first I tried to take my life now life is making me face the horrors of death it really is not a good feeling knowing you could be dead anytime now and that to be honest even the idea of death isn't what's bothering me the most it's the fact that the woman I called my mom for so long the woman whom I looked up to a woman whom I expected to protect me now I needed protection against. for once in my life I felt so truly alone I wanted someone to just hold me through it and tell me that I matter.
In my absentmindedness I didn't hear someone calling my name. It was only after someone put a hand on my shoulder that I came out of my thoughts. my heart started beating even faster. I felt as if I would collapse. My eyes watered up and my breathing became too uncomfortable. I finally managed to turn to see who it was and there in a blue t-shirt and black trousers stood lucas. A wave of relief came over me. Still, I lost all my energy to stay standing so I just sat on the ground more like falling on it and started crying my eyes out. He looked at me full of concern and finally asked me what was wrong? "Hey hey hey what happened? What are you doing here?" knowing i was in no condition to reply at that very moment he offered we go inside and talk apparently he lived close by and I followed silently.
