pain is a very important part of life. pain is life cause without pain you can't succeed in life. without pain you cannot achieve, cause to achieve you need passion and with passion comes pain. to live you need love, love to be alive, love to progress, love to be loved and with love comes the pain. for everyone pain has a different meaning cause for everyone life tells a different story, shows a different perspective. with pain comes the understanding of life. not everyone can understand. to the world you pretend to be fine. beaming with light but deep inside only you know the battle you are fighting. i'm a keen observer, a brilliant mind. so brilliant that i myself can't handle myself. if i can't handle myself how can i expect people to handle me? i shouldn't be with people, i don't deserve to be with them. i don't deserve anybody. i should free people from my existence. well that's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna free everyone from me. from now on no one will face any trouble because of me. i was holding the knife in my hand. it was not any ordinary knife. it was the key to my freedom. with just one stroke this knife would free me from all the suffering. i'll finally get peace. i was looking at the knife with so much desire, my eyes shifting repeatedly from the knife to my wrist then back to the knife.
I slowly moved the knife close to my wrist and made a deep cut. this opened the path for the blood to escape, with every drop of blood dripping down i felt the pain easing. now mind attention was diverted from the mental hurt to physical hurt. bearing this physical hurt is easier then facing the harsh truth of the life. life is never inviting it's always just challenging, like an enemy waiting for a chance to let you down. life? haha an other name of unbearable pain, but today my pain will end. i'll rescue myself from this life and make myself escape all the suffering once and for all. with several minutes of endless bloodshed i felt my vision being blurred so this is finally happening i'm leaving all the pain behind. i lay there numb without moving, all i could feel was blood dripping down my arm. with this i started having hallucinations and then a nothingness.
When i regained consciousness i was no more in my room or on my bed. i tried to open my eyes but it was really painful. my head felt heavy with an intense and unbearable pain. i opened my eyes only to see newly white washed walls with everything else matching it. there were flowers on the bed side table. and then before my eyes could get fixed on to anything or my mind could make any conclusions i was introduced to a sharp slap right in the face. i could hear it load and clearly but felt nothing it was a complete sense of nothingness. when i recovered from the shock i come to know that i was slapped by mom, standing on the side of the bed.
"what were you trying to do?" she erupted like a volcano
my mind was making decisions too late so, instead of saying anything i just watched her face like an idiot.
"aren't you already a problem enough, that now your creating new problems for me?" there was ice in her tone.
i know i'm such a problem for her that is why i wanted to solve all her problems. no one have any idea of what i'm going through. i'm struggling to to live every single moment of my life, i couldn't live but now i can't even die. if i try to kill myself they don't even let me die in peace. although i'm still breathing but deep inside i'm already dead. it's just a matter of time when, i'll finally get rid of this pain called life. i wanted to end this suffering but instead i added to it. now i'll have to face even more questions, more suspicion. no matter what i do or how hard i try to make things better to end this suffering it only adds to it.
as if this was not enough to my surprise Lucus came to meet me. i felt like maybe now i'll get some rescue as he always did. i thought maybe i'll explain my pain to him maybe i'll feel better by talking to him by sharing with him. maybe by sharing my pain would become less, but that was not what happened.
"Aamm Hi.... how are you?" he said in an awkward tone.
mom had already left the room so, now it was only us. i didn't know how to face him? or how to hide the awkwardness? "i'm ok" i tried my level best to sound normal.
"Rossie you know i'm really worried for you i mean you didn't had to do all this to again attention you could have gained it positively" he said in a sympathetic tone.
" wait a second.. what did you just say? you think i did all this to gain attention?"
"Actually don't take me wrong. i mean there's nothing wrong if you wanted some attention you could have just asked. i mean..."
i cut him mid way " i know what exactly you mean thank you very much for your concern but no i don't need it. you may leave now"
"Rossie come on don't over react, i was just being realistic i didn't mean to hurt you"
"yeah i understand i always do but please right now just leave please"
"okay! as you wish take care of yourself"
and with that he left. what could be worse than this at least i didn't expect him to be so cold. i thought maybe he'll understand or at least try to listen but he didn't even gave me a single chance to place my point of view. he just judged. he thinks i'm doing this drama only to seek attention? he thinks so low of me? how can someone be so heartless, when i saw him here i wanted to open my heart to express my inner most feeling but this time meeting him made my situation worst his words hurt my heart as if someone has inserted a dagger inside my chest and now was inserting it even deeper and deeper. i felt like screaming but i didn't want to create any more problems or any more this so called "Drama". what a situation i am in first i couldn't live then i couldn't die and now i can't even say? i can't even express my pain cause they think i'm performing a drama only to seek attention? could my life be worst? i thought maybe he'll rescue me from this pain, maybe he was my savior but no! he just added to the pain i was already feeling. no one understands. For the very first time in my life i felt so lonely, so empty, so helpless. my best friend Candy didn't even come to see me, cause she too might be thinking i'm some sorta psychopath. there was no where i could get some peace from was that too much to ask for?
