Dearly Beloved

--> Thirty

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Dearly Beloved, what do you do when you feel such pain you can't stand it any longer?
Do you tell someone?
Do you keep it together and stay quiet?
What if on a scale of 1-10, the pain is a 10?

I woke up with a grand pain today.
I said nothing.
Then I went downstairs.
Mom saw me and her face changed drastically. Ezra, what's wrong?

Commotion took over, and I didn't realize dad was quickly by my side, along with Matt. Ezra are you alright? dad asked me.

I only nodded and tried smiling through the unbearable pain I was feeling.

I didn't want to worry them.

My knees weakened and my eyes became suddenly so heavy. The weight of my body was so tremendous, I gave up and fell. I felt someone catch me and at the moment I wasn't sure who was the one who caught me. My head was pounding and my vision started to blur to the point where I couldn't make out anything. Was everything coming to an end? Was all I could ask myself. All I could think.

My hearing was faint! and a loud whistle was the only thing that I hear. And the whistle triggered my headache even more. I brought my hands to my head and screamed in agonizing pain.

I felt myself being lifted and put into what I thought was dad's truck. A faint sound of an engine roaring was all I heard.

And before I knew I was back on the hospital bed. Covered with wires. Connected to my head. My heart. On my stomach wrapping around my back leading to my index and middle finger, on my right hand.

I felt so incarcerated, so trapped. I wanted, FREEDOM. Less pain. Less agony. And I realized that as usual I wanted so much more than what I could have.

When I opened my eyes, Matt's hand was on mine. I smiled faintly hey you.

It's okay Ezzy. You don't have to talk.

Matt?

Yes, Ezzy?

Will you do me a last favor.

What Ezzy? what is it?

Go to my house and... get me a pink journal that's on my dresser. Please, there's a story I have to finish.

Matt didn't hesitate to say yes. He slowly kissed my forehead and walked out giving me a glance and smile before he was gone.

I sighed and begged God for more time. Please just a few more hours please. Hoping he would hear me I begged. Every five minutes I'd flinch in profound pain. Matt please hurry. As if on cue Matt opened the door with the cotton candy pink journal in both hands. I smiled.

Here Ezzy. And he handed me the journal.

Thanks Matt.

I eagerly opened it up and got the silver pall point pen out. Thoughtfully I started writing what would be the last chapter of my journey.

I started.

Chapter --> Thirty.
Feeling my final hours I began writing my final goodbye to my beloved ones.

Dearly Beloved mother,
You are the mother that any girl would have loved to have. You are amazing. You always have been. You have been my guide completely in every aspect. I love you so much. You've been so understanding. So marvelous. Mom, never ever do I want you to live with sorrow. You're always going to be my mother. The ONLY one that ever has been. A mother to a daughter that is eternally proud. Proud of you. You've dealt with me and I will be forever grateful. I wouldn't have left, if I had a choice. But I do LOVE YOU. I'm sorry if I never really told you that. I'm sorry if you didn't feel important. Because you have been the most IMPORTANT, WONDERFUL, UNDERSTANDING, mother in the world. I love you and I want you to only keep the wonderful and beautiful memories that we had together. I hope they were many.

With love always,
Ezra Rose.

~~

The next was for dad.

Dearly Beloved Father,
How do I even describe how happy you made me? You taught your little girl to overcome every single struggle she's had to he put through. Unfortunately daddy, NO ONE is able to fight death. For it is inevitable. But I rather continue with the happy memories. The most amazing ones you've given me. Dad my only goal was to make you happy and proud of me. Did I make it? I ADORE you daddy. I want you to take care of mom for me. She looks much tougher than she is. When I'm gone she will collapse. Dad please be her shield. Pick her up when she falls. Give her strength. Be strong for me dad. I LOVE YOU so much.

With love forever,

Ezra Rose.

~~

Tears flowed from my eyes while writing. The image of my parents grieving for me kept playing in my head. In addition to the pain in my head was worsening by the minute.

~~

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that can't be said. Or so I've heard. We just cry them. Those are the most painful ones. And now I understand why.

My family stood outside my room waiting. Wondering how much longer I had to live. Wondering if at any moment I would just leave. Wondering if they should say goodbye now or not.

~~

The last letter was for Matt. My beloved Matt. I started...

Dearly Beloved Matt,
I want to thank you.
For ALL you did. You gave me the ability to fall in love with the heart. You gave me strength, when I needed it the most. I can't express how grateful I am for you. I want nothing more than to tell you how much I love you. How much I want you to be happy. I know the right girl will be with you soon. When I meet your beloved Jessica I will thank her. Thank her for the man she made. The amazing, caring, sweet, beautiful, wonderful man, she turned into what I luckily fell in love with once again. Matt I don't want you to ever forget me. But I do want you to forgive me. For leaving you so soon. I want you to remember me for being so in love with you. For being lucky enough to meet you. I want to thank you for everything. I LOVE YOU Matt, NEVER, forget me. My Dearly Beloved, always, ALWAYS remember me.

With love,

Ezra Rose Gordon.

~~

I dropped the pen and felt a sudden struck of pain zoom right through my head.
And I knew it was time to go.
The doctors hurried in and immediately began checking my pulse. And I weakly said please, stop. It's time. I need my family. Please.

A nurse ran out and before I knew it mom dad and Matt were beside me. Mom crying and dads eyes filled with tears.

Matt was the first to speak Ezzy, no. Please. No. Don't you dare give up on me.

I smiled. Matt I love you.
I looked over at mom and dad still smiling. No. Don't cry. Don't cry. I'm leaving but you guys have to promise to love each other all the time. To protect each other. I want you to remember me. Remember I will ALWAYS love you both. No please don't cry.

I suddenly felt myself lose oxygen. I began to hyperventilate. The journal. I picked it up and felt it weigh like tons. Here... I want you... to... to read this. It's my... it's my life. There's something in there for each... one of you. I love you... all.

My mind went to you Max. Only you. I want nothing more than to see you. And I wondered if I would see you soon. Max I love you.

I want to see you again Dearly Beloved.

I want to see your smile again.

Will I ever see you again?

And suddenly I knew...

~~~