Punching Bag on Pages

Insecurities

I have seriously been dreading this rant. I have mentally prepared what I want to release, what I will be punching with my imaginary boxing gloves. It just really hits a personal level.

I told myself that just putting my thoughts on paper (or typing) is not enough. I need to let others see if they want. An idea stuck in my mind that maybe someone is reading. I've never really had the strength to confide in someone, and this is the perfect way for me.

This may go on for a while, because I'll make my way through different sections.

First, why are self-conscious thoughts creeping into my mind? It seems pretty obvious that the media has emphasized the "dream girl" image. A nice rack, a matching ass, long flowing hair, a flat stomach, and perfect legs. Then the idea plagues our minds to think that any other appearance isn't good enough. Sure, we have the concept of "plus size models". That's not the solution. That is yet again saying that beauty is defined by physical attributes. We need to show an array of personalities for a change. Show beauty through one's passion. It makes sense in my mind, but it may just be a bunch of knots in yours.

One main subset under media is entertainment. Of course, films are casted based off of the perfect look. I dont think I have seen one movie with society's view of an "unattractive woman" that is not given a "much needed makeover" during some scene. This is a common occurance. Throughout the industry they try to be original and dabble into the nerd world, but then utterly fail.

Novels unfortunately succum to the predictbale virus. A majority of professional writers create real characters, ones that do not have a foundation based on appearance. You can shape them however you want in your mind. However aspiring authors attempt to take the same route of addressing insecurities but fail. Do you see the pattern here? Failing, failing, and more failing. Characters are of the same eye color, are short (like that's really any issue), are shy, and continue to host pity parties. Just stop. I'd like to see a character with a normal life for once who recognizes their strengths and weaknesses.

Like, I feel there are too many books these days about supposedly insecure female characters who are poorly developed, you know? And there are so many girls (maybe it's just me) that are not overly insecure, but try so hard to feel confident that it will all just cycle into more disappointment after. I want to create a protagonist that doesn't simply deny their worth/good traits, but a protagonist who can actually explain exactly how she feels about herself. And, thanks to this recent revelation, I have a really cool book idea that incorporates that. I am super excited to write it.

Overall, I think we should encourage even more distinction between characters in books and movies.

I wish I was the girl who could truly believe that every girl is beautiful. I wish I was the girl who could truly believe that my reflection is beautiful.

In my opinion, most girls are beautiful. Not on the outside, but the inside. If I get to know you, and find that you are down-to-earth, you are already a beautiful person in my mind. But now I'm thinking "What dictates whether you are beautiful or not? How can that be decided?" I'm at a dead end with that, and when it comes to myself. There are moments when I believe I'm pretty, but other thoughts just keep bringing me down. I am that person who says "Don't compare yourself to others!" but always makes that a habit of my own.

I wish I was that person who didn't care about what others thought. As of now i think i'm gradually starting to accept myself and appreciate what i do have... but i still need a compliment for me to actually believe i'm desirable. It's ridiculous, but true. I have family member tell me i'm beautiful, and my girl friends, but no guys. Maybe it's just guy nature to not express their feelings as much as girls willingly do, or maybe i'm not approachable enough? I dont know. But i just wish one attractive guy could call me beautiful... is that too much to ask?

I haven't had the motivation to write this in a couple of weeks, because i've generally been in a good mood. I haven't had self-depreciating thoughts suffocating me in a while... which is great. Especially since i just got my braces off. When i had them on, confidence was impossible. At most, two other people in my grade have braces. All of my friends got theirs' off last year.

So... my height. I'm about 5'11", which isn't too fun. Everyone around me thinks it's amazing, saying "I wish I was that tall!" Being this tall, there are NO single guys that are my height or taller, and that are even in my "league" (if you know what I mean). Until I go off to college, I will not even have my first kiss. Do you know how much it sucks to be the only girl out of my friends to have never had a boyfriend or have been kissed? I'm a loner! 

Oh gosh, and my weight. I'm around 175 pounds. The only complaint I have for this topic is my stomach/sides. I've had fat there my entire life and it's pretty much impossible to lose. Thankfully, chocolate and peanut butter are my least favorite foods, or I would be twice my weight easily. I don't like yogurt, nor smoothies, nor hot tea, and some fruits. I'm not a cookie fan, unless they're spice cookies or oatmeal raisin. I don't like cake, unless it's coffee or spice cake. As far as healthy selections go, I have apples, cucumber, carrots, bananas, strawberries, watermelon, salads, broccoli, and water. What a selection. I am so miserable trying to cut down on soda. I realize it's not good for me, and my fat is probably from pounding down three cans of mountain dew a day, but without soda my beverage choices are bland. Water, ice tea, and coffee. I've even cut down on coffee because the sugar and caffeine will probably run my heart into the ground (combined with that amount of soda I drink). Soda tastes good!

It's so frustrating to try to stop eating and drinking things I like, and I hate that I have to do that in order to look nice. I wish I wouldn't want to have a flat stomach, but it's difficult to be the only one out of my friends to have a fatty stomach. It's like a muffin top too, not a smooth kind of stomach. All of my friends are 5'8" or shorter, have flat stomachs, nice boobs, and are confident with their bodies. Like, what? I feel so insecure in a bikini that I just want to curl into a ball and cry. I have a decent butt, but it's camouflaged by my "love-handles"... more like disgusting fat handles (Sorry if I'm being offensive, but this is my self criticism. It's contradictory how I call certain parts of myself gross and use "fat" negatively, but I don't consider fat on someone else as a bad thing. I hate myself for that too... ugh).

I sweat so much. If I didn't sweat this much, I'd live with my other insecurities. But during school I just sweat through my shirt constantly. It's absolutely gross, especially if I can't raise my hand without seeing my armpit stain. It's all stress sweat, when I'm in an uncomfortable situation (like at a party, or school, or ANYWHERE IN FUCKING PUBLIC). Also, my hair becomes frizzy-ish and gross in stressful environments like school, but as soon as I get home it is silky smooth. When I do any sort of physical activity, I start sweating buckets, and my face becomes beat read. I'm the ONLY ONE on the field to have a tomato red face, an the ONLY ONE to have sweat dripping. Do you know how disgusting that is?

On top of that, whenever I'm the center of attention, my neck and chest become blotchy. It's like red marks all over my skin and everyone thinks there is something wrong. I just grumble out a "no, this happens whenever I'm the center of attention." I don't know how else to explain it, but it fucking sucks.

Why is there no one that pays attention to natural beauty around me. I don't like wearing make up, and I look decent without it. Other girls just pile on makeup, and they are more appealing than me? Why do the boys around me pay less attention to natural beauty? If I were a boy, I'd date someone with natural beauty over someone who cakes on makeup. I don't draw on my eyebrows or wax them to a certain shape, because they are NATURALLY DECENT WITHOUT THAT. Why do people need to have eyelashes that appear twice their NATURAL length? Why do people have to change the color of their lips or hair to be found beautiful by a guy?

Am I the only one who dresses for comfort these days, instead of dressing like I'm attending a red carpet event each day? During the winter I'll wear skinny jeans, sneakers, and a geeky t-shirt. But there are girls in skirts with a tight shirt, sweater, fancy boots, perfectly curled ambre hair, tons of jewelry, and makeup. Why must men gravitate towards the wealthy girls who spend all of their money on that instead of a girl like me who is passionate about reading, getting an education, and working hard at everything I do? I pay for most of my own stuff, not given to me by my parents. I can't afford a new closet every year, Panera and Starbucks everyday, etcetera. I guess those facts alone are kind of why I hate myself.

I just really didn't want go into all of this, it's so depressing for me. The fact that this is one of my longest rants saddens me even more. Peace out.