Punching Bag on Pages

Journals for a College Class

For homework in one of my classes, we have to write short journals of 300 to 600 words on a range of topics that my professor gives us. This class is all about learning the details of my specific college, and I guess learning/reflecting on ourselves.

The first topic I responded to was: How's everything going so far? What I wrote:

I always knew college would be tough, but actually experiencing the stress is worse. When people ask me, "Do you love Cortland? Are you having fun?" Well, of course I'm having fun. I love Cortland, I love the people here, and my classes are pretty nice. I've made a lot of new friends, and I've established a routine of sorts. I am so happy to be here to learn, and experience the new clubs I joined like the Outdoor Adventure Club and the Cortland Writers Association.

However, this freshman year is already one of the most strenuous years of my life. My divorced parents are surprisingly doing well at keeping me out of things; they are finally understanding that talking to me about court and such is stressing me out. There was one slip up this past weekend when I went home, to which I cried for an hour or so because of the uncertainties of my mother's financial situation.

You may be asking, "Why the hell did you go home then?" You see, being away from home is what hurts the most. I miss my family, my dogs, my home, my high school, and my friends. Most of all, I miss my boyfriend. Literally everyone I love is absent from this campus, and that lone fact's indescribable weight crushes my heart every day. I wish I could experience the fun here with the people I care about most. I wish I wasn't missing out on all of the fun at home as well. Even though I have new friends, I feel so alone. I do love my new friends, but they are not the people I've grown up with. I was excited to get here and meet new people, but I don't really want new people in my life. My friends and family are perfect. I know I would be so much happier if my best friend Nick and boyfriend Kyle were here. The distance thing is so emotionally draining for me.

I'm also stressing about money. How in the hell am I supposed to pay back loans? I'm worried that it will be too difficult to find a job in the publishing field. I'm stressed about my classes, the workload, the expectations. I just wish I could be home, in my bed, and laying in the arms of the love of my life. Sadly, Kyle is three hours away experiencing his senior year at our high school. Visiting home makes me so happy, because I get to see my favorite people, like my teacher Mr. Z. I cried as soon as I walked into his classroom. When he spoke to me, everything came rushing back. Everything from before August 25th is so dear to my heart. I miss it so much.

They say that it will take time, that I will become so distracted from these feelings that I'll be fully happy. I'm not trying to be a sadist here, I'm just reflecting. I think that home will always be a piece of me. Although "distance makes the heart grow fonder" and although being separated from home may be good for me, I will never be truly happy here. I think that too much of my heart was left behind in my hometown.