Punching Bag on Pages

I Loved Him

At such a young age, I never thought that I would fall in love with someone. I knew that love was a big deal, it was something so precious to have. I never knew that my life and my decisions would lead me to this one person. I never knew how difficult it was, because I was so easy-going and oblivious to what I deserve.

I thought I had the perfect love, we had never screamed at each other, we had never said that we hated each other, we had forgiven each other for our mistakes, we had talked through our problems and concerns... he comforted me during times of great stress, he motivated me to be a better version of myself. And even though we broke up, I have learned so much about myself from being with him.

I have become a better listener, more selfless, more honest, more true to myself, more in touch with my body, and my feelings. I have learned to forgive him and myself. I have learned to love myself, something I continue to work on everyday. There is a new confidence in me, because I know what I want and what I deserve. I am finally happy, I realize how half-ass he was at being a boyfriend. I don't know why I ever settled for him, and I cannot change the past, but this was a lesson I had to learn. The value of loyalty, open communication, honesty, and trust has increased significantly.

I had originally discussed the problems of our relationship below, and I plan to keep this section here just because I described our situation well. When I write extensively about my first love, I will include parts of this.

-------------------------------

Our relationship has been tested many times. There were the two main moments of near explosion and catastrophe before I went to college, and we got through those. I care about him so much, but sometimes my insecurities take over my thoughts. I never knew that it would be this hard to be away from him. It hurts me to not be home when he is experiencing his senior year. It really hurts. There were two moments of panic when I was here. The first, I felt absolutely horrible for burdening him with my thoughts. Me being sad, made him sad. He felt like the bad guy, and I felt as though I don't deserve him and that he'd be truly happy without me. Feel secure with everything in my life is difficult because I can't maintain my relationships in person. To be truly happy I need to be with him. And I feel as though I'm holding him back from experiencing everything and from meeting other girls. I basically told him to end it, because I knew that I was stressing him out and he had made a snappy comment the night before that triggered the thought that he didn't want to deal with me. He said to me in a voicemail "you're not doing anything- you're not breaking up with me, I'm not breaking up with you, you're not mailing any of your stuff back. We can talk about this later, I love you so much though... and, I'm sorry. We'll just talk about it later, okay? I love you."

The next time it was just a buildup from last time, it seemed. Even though we talked things out and everything seemed fine, the more he talked about his day the sadder I became. With every fun moment I felt my heart twinge- I wanted to experience it with him so badly. I got so mad at myself, wondering why I chose this college that was three hours and away and why did I have to feel so depressed all of the time. Kyle was the only person I wanted to talk to about this, I wanted comfort. But as it turned out, he felt bad and felt guilty every time he would go out and do something because afterward I would be upset. He felt like he couldn't ever do anything right, like he was holding me back from being happy, and that he couldn't make me happy. I said it was unfair to say that I am upset all of the time, and I had to reiterate over and over again that I do not say that I'm sad because I want him to feel bad.

I don't want to hold him back from having fun, it is just hard for me to be at college when he is home surrounded by the people he loves. I am facing so much stress here, stress that I realized he doesn't understand. I had no intention of making him feel bad, I just needed support and reassurance that we were okay. But he didn't give me that, and he said that he didn't know what to do. That scared me. He threw at me that he was going to a party that night and I knew two girls would be there that I've had problems with. I didn't understand why he would go, why he threw it at me... it was such bad timing. I was so panicked that night that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was so scared. I had cried so much and the next day, we talked it through. It was a lot. I had to explain to him everything, because there were misunderstandings. But we are better now. It is difficult for me to accept the fact that he'll be building memories with other people, that I will have to hear about the fun from the sidelines. What hurts me most, though, is that I will not be there to witness every smile and laugh. I imagine him having fun, smiling and laughing with other people, and possibly not thinking of me. I know he does think of me, but I know it is not to the same frequency as I think of him. An hour doesn't go by in the day without me longing to be with him. Being in his arms, kissing him, being happy with him, making memories with him.

-------------------------

Things have changed so much for me.