Punching Bag on Pages

Why I Write

Why do I write everything down? I've thought about his a lot. Writing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Throughout my childhood, writing was a way to explore my imagination and all of the places it would take me. Unfortunately, the various conflicts I faced soon after made me a more insecure person. Writing became a savior, as it transformed me into both a reserved, but also an emotionally dauntless writer.

For a while though, after my parents got divorced, there was so much stress in my life that I kept my thoughts inside of me instead of sharing them. My thoughts were so complicated. My mind was, and still is like a six-way intersection where thoughts were similar to cars that would never stop driving, even through the night. From an outside perspective, there seems to be organization but when you take a closer look, the traffic system is way too complex and the cars drive recklessly just hoping for a crash; a meltdown.

Writing therefore was they best way to organize what I am thinking. The smallest of details will blossom in my mind, and create a whirlwind of thought. I get lost. Over the years, I have realized that I stutter and stumble over what I'm trying to say to someone. I can't quite decipher my thoughts and put words to them. My thoughts are difficult to understand.

Writing extensively and boldly about my thoughts was the only way to organize the traffic in my head and throw the mess onto one space that I could refer back to. It released most of the pain that I was holding inside and even sparked a fierce fire within. When I was alone, I would talk to myself and write constantly. Many assumed that I was extroverted, but my feelings, whether sad or optimistic, were usually reserved for writing. I am intuitive and introspective, which is great because I am in-touch with my own mind. But over-thinking was also painful because I dwelled and continue to dwell on things that happened in the past. I never forgot what had negatively impacted my heart and mind; it surpassed the positives in most instances.

I write, to remember. I write about my opinions, the values that I never want to forget. I write about my family, my memories, the feelings that I have. But, I also write about my problems. I write about what I am stressing over. I write to ease my mind, to leave every detail on paper and not in my head. The main topic is still on my timeline of emotion, but the rest is a blurred memory.

I write because I do not want to forget a single detail. Writing is my way of coping with what I am experiencing. And what I experience is important to me. The details of these experiences influence my personality. I felt absolutely relieved when I started sharing my writing. Writing became the most influential force in my life because I could finalize what I wanted to say, but could not physically speak. Finally, someone could understand me.

My boyfriend, in particular, says that holding onto these thoughts (primarily the bad ones) is toxic. Those weren't his exact words, but close enough. He said that I am holding all of these emotions and thoughts inside me. I am stressing over every detail. It will wear me down from the inside out.

He's completely right. I'd like to think of the paper as something that truly listens. But the paper is just a physical reminder of any pain or sadness. I wish I could let go of the things that bother me... but I just can't. I don't know how to. I over-analyze every situation that involves the people that I am insecure about. Now, I have a multitude of insecurities about myself, but that's not what I am referring to. My father and I have a great relationship. I feel secure about how much he loves me. I know he loves me completely. There is no doubt in my mind. He is the biggest influence in my life.

With my brother, though, I am insecure. I have learned (after countless years of bickering) that he is a great person. As much as I had claimed to hate him, I actually love him a lot. But I don't know what he is thinking about. Does he love me too? I want to name my future son after him, but I am unsure of the strength in our relationship. I have no idea what he is thinking.