Punching Bag on Pages

Fears

It's weird to think that something could make you paranoid, scream, jump, run away, cry, and/or crawl into the fetal position in the corner. But that's what your fears do, they haunt you.

There are common fears like arachnophobia, which is spiders. But i'm not here to list them all, i'm just here to list mine. Selfish, i know, but it needs to be addressed at some point.

1) Falling- It's not exactly heights that scare me, because i love seeing beautiful views from ferris wheels, planes, mountain tops, the top of a tree i just climbed, my roof peak that i sit on. But when I'm up there, and looking directly down, i suddenly imagine myself falling. On a mountain top, for example, i imagine my body slamming into rocks, and falling to my death from hundreds of feet up. In a tree, i think about how if i slip, i'll slam off of a couple of branches and finally hit solid ground. It's a horrible feeling. I'll be playing Assassin's Creed, and jump from a building... then i'll get this pit-like feeling in my stomach like i'm the actual character and i'll somehow feel the impact.

2) Bees- Sounds kind of stupid, but i will sprint for my life from a bee. Even bumblebees, i don't like them. I've been stung so many times in my life, that i think they're out to get me. I'm not even trying to kill them or swat at them when i get stung. One time, at around six years old, my friends and i were playing "house" in this guest house that my babysitter never used before. We were in the kitchen when some idiot starting hitting a window where the giant bee's nest was. He was hitting it with a fucking baseball bat. Finally, it broke, and we ran for our lives. I'm not kidding you when I say that there probably 100 bees. The nest was about the size of a soccer ball (my babysitter and older brother can verify that). We weren't stung, but imagine being chased by that many bees at a ripe age of six years old (and the front door to the guest house was locked because we didnt want adults in there haha). In my lifetime, I have been stung about six times that i can remember. Three of those were mud bees, these giant ass blackish/purple insects about two inches long. I was planting flowers in mulch when they flew into my shorts and shirt. I got stung twice on my left knee and once on my right. That was the worst pain i had ever felt in my life. And they swelled twice my normal knee size for about a week. Constant. Pain.

3)Never Being Loved Completely by Someone- Now this one sounds pathetic, ugh. But i fear that a man will never accept me for how weird I am, never love me for my quirks, and never be completely loyal. I already have enough insecurities, and i just fear that i will not find a man who refutes all of them. That I'll be left to dwell over my flaws forever.

4) Series Finale of Supernatural- I am being completely serious, the day that Supernatural ends will begin a life-long state of depression. Dean Winchester is my favorite fictional character, and Jensen Ackles is my favorite person. We may see more from Jensen Ackles, but i'm still scared to never be able to see Dean again. I know I can re-watch the series (which i will multiple times), but it's not the same as seeing new adventures of Dean and Sammy. Unfortunately, i want an endless amount of insight into the Winchesters' lives, but I know that will stop... and soon. I mean, they're on their eleventh season. Jared, Jensen, and Misha will eventually move on with their lives, but i don't know if i can. This show gives me so much hope, spurs so many emotions inside of me, and stimulates endless thoughts. It is the essence of why i love fiction so much. Supernatural has affected my life so much, and i absolutely know that i will cry for days when it all ends. Not another smile of Dean's? Not another ride in the baby, on the way to investigate a murder? No more witty one-liners from the beautiful Supernatural Family? Within the next few years, the fanfiction will stop. The interviews, and conventions/panels will stop. We won't see bloopers anymore, or J2M moments on and off set (i mean, some off set, but not much). My beautiful Dean, Sammy, and Cas will be gone. Their fictional lives will continue, but it will be a bunch of unknown events. And if Destiel doesn't become canon, i honestly will scream for years and years. If you are not a hardcore Supernatural fan, you will have no way of grasping the true pain I am feeling from just thinking about all of this. The end hasn't been announced yet, and i'm already sick.

5) Oblivion- There are different contexts to this fear, but I'll start out with the definition: endless darkness. I've had so many nightmares where i am just falling through darkness. I do not know where I am, but i know that i am falling, and i am waiting for impact. I wait for death, as the falling could end in an instant. The other definition/context is: endless nothing-ness. That when i die, there might not be anything to follow. I really hope I will be reincarnated, or sent to Heaven, but nobody knows. Isn't that scary? The fact that we don't know what happens after our heart and mind just stop. What follows death is a mystery. I'm afraid to think that at some moment (a moment that we will not see coming) I won't be able to think. I fear that my soul will waste away in oblivion, slowly crumbling.