risk// 5SOS

21

Calum

With all the kids exhausted, I thought my sleep might be undisturbed, and perhaps I would even get a lie in.

But I was so wrong.

First it was Gia, who couldn't sleep because she was having anxious thoughts about me forgetting her. It was hard to talk her out of it, but I gave her plenty of cuddles and reassurance until she fell asleep with her head in my lap.

When I put her back to bed, Sage then woke up and wanted more medicine, so I gave then some and then they shut their bedroom door in my face, which in turn woke Rider up from a bad dream and made him crawl into my bed.

"You can't sleep here, bud,"

He laid down and rolled himself up into the duvet, looking at me with wide eyes.

"Rider, you know my boundaries,"

"I'm scared,"

"I'm sorry you had a bad dream, bud,"

"I'm not scared about that,"

"What's up then?"

"I miss mum and dad, am I a bad person?"

"Oh bud... your feelings are valid," I said softly, sitting beside him, "You are allowed to grieve,"

"Mum was nice, she used to kiss my grazes a lot. Dad had lots of money and gave us a roof,"

"Yeah,"

"I'm bad aren't I?"

"You are not bad," I said, laying opposite him so that I wasn't looking down on him, "It's really hard to understand feelings sometimes,"

"They hurt Sage, and they hurt me, but there were times when I felt loved. Sometimes after dad hurt me, mum gave me an ice pack,"

I wiped his tear away and held his hand, hushing him to try and stop anyone else being disturbed. It was the first time he had called them his own mum and dad, and the first time he had grieved- in front of me at least.

"Sometimes, bad people can make people think they're good, or trick you into justifying their actions. Gia used to tell me 'it wasn't that bad' even if it was something really bad,"

"So I'm not bad?"

"No,"

"They are?"

"Yeah, because they hurt you, and Sage, like you said. It's still okay to grieve, and be upset, and confused,"

"I want to talk to Clarissa,"

"We can get you your own version of Clarissa, I'll speak to her when we take Gia and see what she suggests,"

"I'm not really sad, but I'm sad that I'm sad,"

"That's valid,"

"My jaw aches, and I am sleepy,"

Gently, I unrolled him from the duvet and took him to the bathroom, unlocking the medicine cabinet to get him medicine. He refused to take tablets, so I gave him different medicine, then took him to his own bed and tucked him in.

"I'm not a bad person,"

"You're not a bad person, and I am really glad you're in our home, okay? We are really happy to have you here,"

"Okay,"

"Try and get some more sleep, bud. Hopefully you'll feel better in the morning,"

He nodded and shut his eyes, so I went back to bed and laid down, no longer feeling tired. It was replaced by stress.