risk// 5SOS

9

Calum

"This is a new scarf,"

"Yep, do you like it?"

"Thank you, dad,"

Earlier, Gia had washed her braids, then we left them to dry for a while and did some chores, then played a football game. Now it was dry, we had added product and put on a scarf, a smile on her face. I knew she'd been wanting to do this all week, but by the time I got home from work, it was easier to do it at the weekend to make sure they dried before she slept.

"Now, did you fancy baking some cookies, and dropping them off to Michael's house?"

"To go inside?"

"Yeah. Maybe you can have some juice,"

"No. You know I don't want to, dad," she said, her smile turning into a scowl, "I have school tomorrow, I want to see you,"

"He has worked so much this week, I thought it would be nice to cheer him up,"

"No,"

It was a word she rarely said because it took a lot of gut for her to say it. I presumed 'No' had never had positive outcomes for her, but I knew right now that she was incredibly desperate for me to listen.

Sunday was a day for fun, it was foolish of me to suggest, but I thought if I could incorporate a fun activity she might agree.

"What should we do then? A bike ride?"

"Go food shopping,"

"Really?"

"Yes,"

"Mkay," I chuckled, "That's quite unlike you. You want something special huh?"

"Yes,"

"Alright, get your shoes on then angel. You're gonna be a great helper,"

"Can I push the trolley?"

"Maybe at some points, yeah. You ready?"

She nodded, so we got in the car and drove to the store. We were lucky to live in such a great area- schools, shops, a hospital, parks, libraries. You name it. Over the next 8 years, at least, I knew I could provide Gia with everything she needed to succeed.

Success was relative, but to me, it was that she would be happy. Happy with what she wanted to do in life, happy with her friends, and happy with her health.

8 years seemed so far away, but when I looked back at the past 8 years, it went so fast. As an adult, you change a lot, but as a kid, you change immensely. It was a gift that I would be here to watch her find herself, whatever that may be.

"Are the shops busy?"

"They won't be too bad, it's almost closing time,"

"We are rushing?"

"No, angel. It's okay, I promise,"

"Is shopping expensive?"

"We can afford it,"

"I am sorry," she said, "Take us home,"

"There's nothing to be sorry about love, I was going to come shopping this week, and I would much rather have your company whilst doing it,"

For the rest of the journey, she sat in silence.

We held hands on the way to get a trolley, then I let her push it to begin with whilst it wasn't too heavy.

She wandered beside me while I grabbed the essentials, and things from the shopping list. It turned out sweet potatoes were her special item so that Rider would have something to eat, which melted my heart, so I picked up a baking kit to do with her as a treat. Lately she had been so good at recognising other people's emotions and interests, and knew she loved baking.

"I want to try this,"

"Mango? Alright,"

"Please,"

"Yeah, pop it in the trolley. I can push it now,"

"Thank you,"

"You are always welcome to try new foods,"

"Are we almost done?"

"We are, are you getting tired?"

"Anxious,"

Gently, I put my hand on her shoulder and rubbed my thumb on it as we walked; she stuck to my side like glue.

I picked up some final bits for lunch and then joined the queue, where I put my arm round her properly until I had to load the conveyer belt.

"Dad, I wanna go home,"

"Hey, not long now,"

"Okay,"

"I am proud of you,"

She rocked back and forth, twisting her fingers, her breathing starting to get rapid. To be fair, it was busier than I expected, so I wasted no time packing up our shopping.

Once in the trolley, we took it back to the car and I put it in the boot while she hastily got into her seat.

"Music, or no music?"

"No music,"

"Okay,"

"Please be quiet,"

I pulled out of the car park and checked her face in the mirror, seeing her teary eyed.

Respecting her request, I didn't talk to her on the journey home, no matter how much I wanted to. Instead, I waited for her.

She helped me take the shopping inside, and sat aside as I filled the cupboards and fridges, washing me closely. Then, when I sat on the sofa, she curled into my side and began to cry.

"I am sorry angel,"

"I am grateful for you,"

"I am grateful for you,"

"Something upset me,"

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged.

"Okay,"

"I saw a mum hug her kid,"

There was nothing else in the world that Gia wanted more than an elder sibling or a mum. It broke my heart that I couldn't give her that, but I wanted to wait a bit for another adoption. Realistically, it would be a challenge for her.

"Why didn't my mum hug me?"

She knew how to make my heart shatter for sure.

"Sometimes, people become parents while they have other struggles in their life, and it is super hard to manage. Your mum needed extra support, because she was experiencing some other struggles, and that was making it hard for her to balance parenting,"

"Will she ever hug me?"

"When you get older, it is your choice whether you see her,"

"Okay. You hug me, you're the first person,"

"I do, and I love your hugs," I said, "Thank you for helping me shop,"

"It was still okay,"

"Good, we'd better make tea so we can eat and finish that homework we forgot about,"

"Homework sucks,"

"I know angel,"

"We should play a game,"

"Tomorrow, I promise. It should be an easy day at work and I will pick you up from school,"

"Fine. You better pick me up,"

"I will, angel. My shift is supposed to end in time,"

"But your job is not predictable,"

"It's not, but I always do my very best to pick you up. It's my favourite part of the day,"