suicidal ➵ larry stylinson

six

"so what's it like?" harry asked, referring to him cutting.

it had been about a good half hour since they've gotten everything unpacked and got settled in, other then a box of bathroom supplies, they were done. of course, louis was picky about where his bathroom stuff went so harry just decided to let him put it up later.

but louis didn't know how to answer his question, or even if he should. every person he's ever opened up to, always ends up leaving so he didn't see a point in saying anything because it was a possibility that harry would hate him, and he wouldn't want that.

so he just sat there for a few seconds, twiddling his thumbs as he felt harry staring at him. he knew harry was just going to ask him the same question again if he didn't reply so he figured he would just do ahead and get it over with.

"it's hard to explain," louis said honestly, looking up to make eye contact with harry. so far, harry didn't seem disgusted with louis but of course he knew that looks could always be deceiving. and that they were.

louis never had someone care for him like harry was doing and it made him have a bad feeling about it. he felt as if he were trying to trick him into something, which surprisingly, surprise louis one bit.

he looked away from harry and back down to his hands, playing with a small ring on his thumb, it was a ring his friend had given him a long time ago whenever he found out louis self harmed, louis never took it off, because his friend was gone now and it felt like he had a connection with him through the ring.

louis' mum always told louis that niall, his friend, killed himself. and that made louis really sad, because james was always a happy person, he was very kind and caring. louis had never met anyone else like him, he was irreplaceable to louis, no one would ever be able to take his spot.

but one day, louis planned to see niall once again, and that day didn't seen too far to louis, although he would never tell anyone that, in fear of them stopping him.

"just try to explain it to me," harry said, and it wasn't helping louis' situation any because he honestly didn't want to tell him what cutting was like because then he would leave, and he didn't want to lose anyone else in his life.

he thought for a minute, because was there even a way to explain what cutting was like? and even if he could, it would feel weird to talk about it. mostly because louis knew, after he told harry, he would think louis was a freak. a broken, confused little freak. and possibly, he would tell everyone at school. but it's not like louis' life could actually get worse, because that's not possible.

his life, was nothing but a series of open doors, being opened just to be slammed back in his face again. and honestly, he was fed up with all of it.

"well," louis started, "you see, it's like, you get really upset and you just don't know how to control anything. you're emotions just become a wild mess and it's just hard to handle, so you do it, you cut yourself. and at first, the skin around it puffs up, like red whine. and then your blood sorta beads up in a crimson line and it burns for a second, but then it feels good, so that's only the worse. and its like, you're body is in pain but your mind is at ease. and it's feels good and you want to do it one more time. but one turns into two.." he sighed, playing with the ring on his finger some more, avoiding harry's gaze.

so he went on, "then two turns into four and then you just keep doing it, and you just can't stop yourself, it's like warmness is flowing through your arms. you think that if everyone else is happy then you should do what you want to make yourself happy. so the blood just goes down your arm, and rolls down,and you keep doing it, it's a never ending pattern. and you just keep doing it until the day you die."