suicidal ➵ larry stylinson

eight

louis panicked, mostly because he didn't have on a shirt and there was blood stains on his wrist. quickly, he washed off his arm and cleared his throat, "yeah?" he asked.

"are you okay? let me in," harry said, louis watched the door nob turn, even though it wouldn't open because it was locked. which louis was glad harry didn't take the lock off, because louis needed his privacy, and he couldn't have that if harry was always walking in on him.

but louis would never be able to convince harry that, harry already went over all the rules of the house, and keeping the door unlocked was one of them. louis didn't understand why he was being treated like a little kid because he was so much capable of being by himslef, he didn't need to be treated like a baby.

"um, i'm about to take a shower," louis lied, holding his breath. he didn't know if harry would actually believe him, but it was worth a shot, mostly because nothing could be worse than harry finding out louis did it again, louis would never hear the end of it.

but it wasn't completely a lie, he was thinking about taking a shower before he got upset but he never got around to it. so maybe now would be the perfect time.

there was a sighed from the other side of the door and a gentle push on the door since harry leaned his head against it, "well, when you get out i really need to talk to you," he said with his voice barely audible. then, the room went silent.

it was so silent that it was uncomfortable and it felt as if needles were stabbing into louis' heart because sure, he was a quiet person, but he hated dead silence. the kind of silence where you could hear a pen drop on the floor, he hated that silence so much. he just felt as it there was a piercing feeling in him and he just couldn't find out why.

louis just nodded, even though he knew harry wouldn't be able to see it. sighing, he took off his boxers and stepped into the shower, washing his hair and body and then getting back out after sitting there for a few minutes.

slowly, he got out of the shower, staring at his reflection in the mirror, hating what he saw, every little part of him was disgusting and he knew he was unlovable, his mind always screamed it at himself. he was so disgusting and such a disgrace to everyone, and he couldn't say how many things would be better off if he was dead, because there was quite a lit of them, plus, everyone would be happier. especially his parents, louis knew they hated him, and he couldn't blame them, because he hated himself too.

he pinched his stomach, which was incredible small too his lack of eating, but louis saw it differently than what it actually was. he saw fat. and he hated it, he hated himself, for every single one of his imperfections, he hated himself more for. he didn't quite understand how anyone ever would love him, but there's the thing, no one did love him, he was unlovable, at least that's what his mind was always screaming at him.

he didn't understand how the demons in his head were taking over, but they were, and they were slowly killing louis, and he didn't realize it. he thought everything was fine, as if he were actually convincing himself, but he wasn't, and probably never would.

the monsters were in his head, slowly killing him, eating him from the inside until finally, it killed him, louis knew what he was doing was wrong, but he just couldn't stop himself. he was becoming attached to the pain, he could honestly say he loved it, but if anyone found out, they'd probably think he'd gone mad. and louis thought he wasn't mad, he thought he was normal, doing what a normal person has to do in order to get skinny.

the word alone drove him crazy, because that's what he wanted to be, small, perfect.

even if it took years until he got there, or even if it killed him, he would be sure to make sure he was perfect.

it bothered him that beautiful people always said that no one was perfect, louis thought they only said that because they were perfect and didn't want others to feel bad.

but he knew there was something wrong with him, he was triggered so very easily, especially whenever people compliment his weight lose, whenever they worry about his weight lose, and whenever they don't notice his weight lose. but of course, louis didn't see any lose in his weight. instead, he saw himself getting fatter everyday, no matter if his bones were sticking out, he was fat.

he always was and always will be.

***

i love that song, it's really true and just.. yeah..

but in this case, it's kind of how louis sees himself i guess, like, he's eighteen but his weight says he's ten.

it's kind of complicated but not really so yeah.

and it's not the 2,000 words I'm used to and it's crappy but it'll do I guess