suicidal ➵ larry stylinson

nine

'raindrops on roses,
and bloodstains on linens.
razors and long sleeves,
that keep my scars hidden.
jumping off buildings,
like birds without wings.
these are a few of my,
favorite things.'

louis continued his little poem in his notebook, he loved watching how the pencil wrote the words on the paper and how his pencil glided softly over it. he was supposed to be paying attention to his math work, but he just couldnt, which was probably the reason why he was failing. but every time he tried to pay attention, his mind just quit working and he sat there, staring at the numerous equations on the board, thinking about ways to solve them. but each time he came up with nothing.

this morning whenever he had awoken, harry had left, he didn't leave a note or even wake louis up, which really upset him. he thought he must've made harry mad and that alone made him feel horrible inside. because just the thought of him being the reason for someone else's unhappiness made him feel terrible, like he deserved to punish himself kind of terrible.

but the thing that really made louis upset was how harry completely ignored him whenever they were in science and he also ignored him at lunch. although harry did seem to be incredibly happy with his friends, and louis wasn't the reason for his happiness, and that also saddened him.

louis looked up in time to see a boy with blonde hair and blue eyes starring at him, and louis could've sworn that he looked familiar but the only person he knew with blonde hair was his sister. the boy quickly turned in his seat, slumping down a bit and tapping his pen on the small wooden desk.

he sighed, looking down at the notes had been taking, although it wasn't helping at all, and honestly, he felt so stupid because he couldn't even understand the math. he dug his nails into his wrist, feeling the marks on his arm reopening, but he didn't care. he felt miserable, yet he didn't have a reason for how he felt. there was something wrong with him, he knew it, he just didn't want to admit it. he felt blood slowly going down his arm and gasped loudly. he quickly covered his mouth but it was too late, because almost everyone had heard him.

they turned around and put all there attention on him, and louis didn't like it one bit, he hated attention, it made him feel way too needy. and he hated feeling needy. whenever the teacher crossed her arms and looked sternly at him, he knew she wanted an explanation on why he had disrupted her class again, the first time was whenever louis went to sleep. he wanted to tell her it was an accident but he knew that wasn't going to go by. blood slowly seeped in through his jacket sleeve and he quickly made an excuse to get out of class.

"i, um, i have to go to the restroom, i'm sorry.." he mumbled quickly before getting up and running out of the classroom, but not before he almost tripped while getting out of the desk, causing the whole class to roar with laughter. and he had never felt more embarrassed in his life. he ran into the bathroom, quickly making sure no one was in there before running into a stall and grabbed some toilet paper, holding it down on his arm.

he heard the bathroom door open and there was someone standing in front of the bathroom stall, louis just sat there, being as quiet as he could, trying to get the person to leave. he closed his eyes, waiting for the pain in his arm to cease. he slowly pulled off the toilet paper, just in time to see a deep gash in his arm, which louis knew would leave a scar after it healed. meanwhile, it was bruising badly and begging to swell up, but it was normal to louis.

"louis, please open this door," someone said and louis automatically recognized it as harry, and he didn't want to see harry at the moment, nor did he want to see anyone else. he wanted to curl up into a ball and die, he didn't care how it was, he just wanted to be dead.

because if he was dead, then he would never feel pain again, he would be happy, he would be with niall, forever, and he would never lose him again. he would be a better friend, just to make sure he didn't lose him again, because it would hurt too much to lose him again. only problem with that, was whenever he lost niall, he lost himself too, he lost himself in a deep sea of depression and they was no chance in being rescued. he felt as if he was drowning except he could see everyone around him breathing.