The albatross journey

9 - If...

Can

It's not easy to keep the intention I made on my first day here in London, it's not easy not to think about who I left behind.
Images of her come back to me at the most unexpected times, in dreams as well as during business meetings with the agency.
Everywhere I look there is something that for some reason reminds me of her, her joie de vivre, her smiles, her loving gaze towards me.

I can say anything, but not that she was lying when she said she loved me deeply, of that feeling I'm more than sure, her eyes couldn't lie when they looked at me full of emotions that couldn't be hidden as I imagine mine were.
So why did all this happen? Why am I here hundreds of miles away from her?

I have to tell myself every moment that the answer to these questions is only one but substantial, that a relationship without trust cannot go on, it is useless to try and try again. I can no longer risk giving her another chance after she has already betrayed me in the past and then doing it again.

I would have made it clear to Emre too if he had let me talk when, a couple of days after my arrival in London, he called me.
I was taken by surprise, I wasn't expecting his call and certainly not his words and the disappointed tone in which he had said them.

- Abi? -

-Hello Can, how are you doing? It's a pointless question really, I have here before my eyes the proof that you seem to be having a great time.

I was silent for a few moments unable to make sense of his words and his harsh tone.

- How? I don't understand what you are talking about Emre -

-Really? I have some interesting photos of you and Polen here in front of me.
The headline of the newspaper is "LOVE COMES BACK PREPARENTLY". The subtitle announces "The love between the famous international photographer Can Divit and the researcher Polen Ateş, after a period of detachment, comes back to life. The two lovers have returned to London and have taken a room together at the Central Park Hotel".
Wow Can, you haven't wasted any time it seems, not more than a month ago you confided me that you were madly in love with a girl, that you even wanted to marry her and look what happened shortly afterwards -

I closed my eyes when the truth became clear to my mind, as I imagined the photos taken on my arrival at the hotel were published by some tabloid newspaper accompanied by articles without any foundation.

- Emre, listen, there is an explanation ...-

-Well, I'd say the explanation is pretty clear to everyone, what do you think? -

I hold my breath when a thought comes over me, I hope I'm wrong.

- Has Sanem seen them? -

-What do you think? The magazine has been going around the agency and the palace for days, Cey Cey tried not to let her see it but he couldn't.
Bravo Can, that girl definitely deserved to be disappointed and humiliated like this in the eyes of everyone.
You know how I feel about Layla and you know that after our initial misunderstandings I became very fond of Sanem, I don't think she deserved to go through all this.
But life is yours, no one can tell you what or what not to do, you can decide to do what you want with it dear brother.
I wish you a good trip and good work, görüşürüz Can, I'll see you in six months if you decide to come back, good luck -

He hung up without me having the chance to open my mouth even though I'm not sure I would have been able to explain the regret I feel at the thought of how Sanem might have felt seeing those images and thinking that I chose to return with Polen.

A brief search on the internet allows me to see what her eyes have seen, there is not only the shot of us entering the hotel lobby side by side with suitcases in tow, but also a picture of Polen holding her arms around my neck and looking at me intensely.