The albatross journey

58 - Hopes

Can

I don't want to analyse what I'm going through, it wasn't something premeditated or remotely imaginable even a few days ago with the way things were going between me and Sanem.
Everything was so natural, so spontaneous between us tonight. We got close and then loved each other in such a true and heartfelt way that it was clearly nothing more than the inevitable taking over.
I can't explain how it happened, but from that kiss during our dance everything simply followed the natural course of things in light of the feelings that still bind us to each other evidently.
Tonight, for some reason, I unconsciously felt that it was time to show her how much I want her and how special and unique she is to me.
I was amazed myself at the intensity of what we shared, I knew it would be something rare with her, but even I wasn't ready for the power of what we experienced when our bodies came together to become one entity.
That's how I felt with her, I've had so many stories, so many women have taken turns in my arms and in my bed, but never with anyone have I experienced anything even remotely comparable to what I felt with Sanem tonight.
It was the perfect union of bodies, hearts and souls, I'm more than convinced of it, this is the only way to explain the intensity of every touch, every sigh and every moan that we shared during these hours that it is reductive to define magical.
I stay for a long time listening to her soft breathing as I feel her tickle my chest where her cheek has been resting since she drifted off to sleep.
I feel happier than I have ever been in my life or maybe it was that night when, under the sprinklers in my garden, I heard her admit - Seni çok seviyorum, I love you so much -.
Now just hearing those words from her again would make me feel more ecstatic than I do now, after loving her with all my being.
She moves slowly, raises her face and opens her eyes staring into mine and then gives me a smile of infinite sweetness, one of those that has always made me lose my head, that makes her look more beautiful than ever and that this morning has an aura of mystery that it has never had before, it is that of a woman who has been loved in every sense by her man.
I bow my head to meet his lips - Günaydın tatlım good morning sweetheart -.
He lays her head on my chest again sighing - Günaydın-.

An unusual but relaxed silence falls between us as I stroke her back in small circles and then play with the strands of her beautiful hair, intertwining my fingers in them and letting them fall back slowly.

- Do you have any idea how I'm feeling right now Sanem?

-Maybe I do, probably the way I feel, she replies in a dreamy voice.

- You know it's not something usual that we shared tonight right? -

-I have no terms of comparison, but it was something incredible, that's for sure.

- Sanem...-

She lifts her head from my chest to sit in front of me, her hair falling down her bare back and the sheet draped over her chest, she suddenly has a serious expression that scares me for what it could mean.

- Listen Can, we both know that we need to talk tamam? I guess there's not enough time for that now though, as we're due on set soon.
I admit I need some time to reflect and figure out how all this makes me feel.
What happened was wonderful, but sudden and completely new for me.
Can you give me some space to process and see where this might lead? -

I inhale deeply before speaking, I must admit that I had expected the worst from her serious expression.
I am aware that the time has come to do my part, to show her that I have changed, that she has changed me and that I am now more mature and aware.

-Sanem, I have learned my lesson, I assure you.
I have understood that one must reflect before making decisions based on the emotion of the moment and that I must give the one I love time to explain how she feels, what the reasons are for her actions. You have taught me a lot, you have made me a more thoughtful and open person, what happened has made me realise that I have to put my own needs and wants in the background if I really love as I say I do.
It will be as you wish Sanem, take the space and time you need, I'll wait for you to feel ready, you can be sure this time-.

She looks at me carefully, as if trying to probe the truth of my words.
I see her nod as she rests her palms on my face, in a gentle caress of her fingers over my beard, then kisses me with the lightness of a breath - Teşekkürler thank you -

I can't help it, I hold her in my arms, I plunge my face into the hollow between her neck and shoulder to take a deep breath of her wonderful perfume and then I whisper in her ear - Don't thank me, it's right that way Sanem, you're the most precious thing to me and now I understand that I have to treat you with all the care and respect I'm capable of-.

I hear her sigh as she clings even tighter to me and then pulls away to look into my eyes for a long time in silence. I don't know how to fully interpret her expression, I read mixed emotions and a sparkle that I hope could mean that she is considering giving our love a new chance.

- Let's go Sanem Aydin, a whole crew is waiting for us and, incidentally, we are also without any means of transport since I left my 4x4 at the restaurant by the lake yesterday.

I leave her house shortly afterwards to go change, with a stupid smile on my lips, drunk with disbelief at the unexpected turn our relationship has taken. I get ready quickly and a little later I'm at the gate waiting for her, together with the taxi I called in the meantime. I see her leave the house and come towards me, smiling, I extend my hand to take hers and then gallantly open the door as she gets into the car. I look into her eyes, smiling in turn, happy and hopeful for what the future holds.

I tell the driver the address of the restaurant where I left my truck while I sit next to her in the back seat. I have no intention of pressing her, I simply take her hand that is resting on the seat between us and intertwine my fingers with hers bringing them to my lips for a light kiss. She looks at me silently with a hint of a smile on her lips as I lean in to whisper softly in her ear,

- You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen at this time of the morning -

Her smile breaks through as she teases me.

- Are you already in the mood for seduction this early in the morning Can Divit? -

I smile.

- With you always Sanem, I will never miss another opportunity to tell you how special and unique you are to me -

He looks at me silently, I can't decipher her gaze, but I hope with all my heart that she comes back to believe in my words.

Soon we are at the restaurant's car park and in my off-road vehicle, we drive towards the set in a relaxed silence like I haven't remembered in a long time, I intertwine my hands with her and we exchange smiles and looks of understanding every time the driving allows me to divert my attention for a moment.

I'm happy, I think we're both happy to be close, to have found a new way to be together, even if there's still a long way to go I fervently hope that this unexpected turn of events will be a new beginning for us.

At a certain point I see her turn to look out of the window and place a hand on the fogged up glass due to the difference in temperature between the warmth of the cockpit and the cold outside.

I feel her suddenly distant, as if she had been projected to another place and time, probably several months back.

I feel my heart rise in my throat as I realise that she is thinking about my departure, about how I was able to leave her and go away at the slightest hint of difficulty. It can only be that way, that gesture faithfully reproduces the image I have of her with her hand on the glass of the terminal as my flight is about to leave.

It is an image that is indelibly fixed in my mind just as, I am sure, it is an open wound in her heart.

I pull myself together and ask - It's ok Sanem? She turns towards me briefly but immediately looks away without answering.

That's it, I have interpreted her attitude well, she is thinking about what happened and wondering if she can trust me again, if she can give me another chance. Now it's up to me to convince her that I'm willing to do everything for her, that I won't give up, I won't leave her and I'll never do anything to hurt her again.