The albatross journey

45 - Comparison

Can

That Hakan Demir again, him again.
I drive through the deserted streets in the pre-dawn hours cursing at that man who, first in Istanbul and now here in Ankara, I see constantly circling around Sanem without being able to do or say anything to stop it because I gave up all rights to her when, months before, I shouted at her that it was over and that she was no longer anyone special to me.

Damn you Can Divit!
You've really done it this time and it's not going to be easy to fix, but I don't even want to consider the possibility that it's too late and I've really lost her forever, it's intolerable to me to even think that.

I arrive at the bazaar when the horizon is just beginning to lighten with the first rays of the new day, I grab the shoulder bag with my equipment and head towards the set hoping to get close to her before filming begins, I look around as I walk through the half-empty bazaar at that time of the morning when, with a pang in my heart, I recognise her. She's sitting at a table in a café and once again she's with him, once again she's with that Hakan Demir and once again I feel the urge to go and claim her in front of that man and the world as mine, mine alone and no one else's.
But I know I can't do it because of my flight from something that was so big it scared me, only to realise later that because it is so big, it is something impossible to forget and let go of.
I lower my gaze and helplessly walk away to head towards the set, it takes me a while to resume breathing normally, regain control of myself and the anger I feel, but not against that man who I can't blame for finding Sanem irresistible when I myself am incapable of resisting her, but for how I managed to ruin everything we had.

I see her arriving a little later and getting everything ready for the photo shoot in the morning, I do the same preparing my camera equipment without ever losing sight of her. When everything is ready and it's time to start, I feel the need to tell her how I feel, despite the beating I received that morning I feel the need to let her know what she means to me.
I walk up to her and simply say - Günaydın sevgilim, good morning dear.
Every day that I can lay my eyes on you is a day worth living, good work -
It's true, it was terrible to spend months and months, first in the Balkans and then after her departure for Ankara, without having the chance not only to talk to her, but at least to lay eyes on her, to observe the sweet way she behaves towards everyone or that smile of hers that makes me fall in love with her even more each time.

I don't give her time to reply that I'm going to get in position to start shooting, I turn to look at her shortly after and I catch her staring at me intently, I smile at her happy to have a glimmer of hope that there is still something to start from.

The hours pass quickly on the set, the well-oiled machine of Sanem's organisation allows everything to run smoothly and soon it is lunchtime and we have finished the first part of the day's shooting.
I look up only to see Hakan Demir and Dilara chatting with Sanem not far from where I am. He again, once again it will be impossible for me to ask her to have lunch with me as I'm sure, with the excuse of work, the guy will take her away for the lunch break. Dilara comes up to me, greeting me and asking about the filming and brings me back to reality, I answer her evasively with my head lost in images of what I would like to do to that handsome man who is constantly hanging around the woman I love.

I move towards the corner where I left the cases of the cameras and lenses I used during the morning and Dilara follows me chatting animatedly. When I've finished putting everything away and turn towards her she catches me off guard by placing her hand on my cheek and proposing that we meet at her place in the evening to get to know each other better. I didn't expect such a request from her, but I have no doubt, I take her hand and gently pull her away telling her that I love only one woman, just one, she is the centre of my life and no one else can exist but her.
I don't understand why, but I see her smiling and nodding as she greets me and goes away without giving me a glance.
I hope she's not disappointed by my rejection, I instinctively liked her from the first moment I spoke to her and I'd hate to have ruined everything with her.