The albatross journey

30 - What is intended

Can

Watching her walk resolutely towards a life without me, being aware that I'm very close to actually losing her, realising that she's going miles away leaving me behind without hesitation takes my breath away.

I follow her with my gaze as she approaches the stewardess and hands over her boarding passes, I feel myself dying as I watch her then move decisively towards the door that will take her to her flight and out of my life. She turns to me briefly and all I can do is raise a hand in greeting while inside I feel myself dying, I realise I have to accept that she wants to pursue her goals, that she wants to grow professionally while I can't accept the fact that she has decided to leave behind our history and what we were together.

I can't blame her, she told me clearly that it was too much what I did to her, I can't even imagine how much worse it could have been for her to see me leaving next to the woman who had been my ex and with whom I had somehow let her believe I was leaving. I had no respect for her, I deliberately hurt her by leaving with Polen, perversely perhaps I wanted to make her jealous when in reality I did nothing but destroy her and the trust she had in me.

How would I feel now seeing her leave by the side of that Hakan Demir?

I would feel a thousand times worse than I do now, even though I know that it's nothing to her, at least for now, and I can't imagine what she must have felt seeing me leave with Polen, with my ex, the woman I somehow imposed on her from the beginning, allowing her to roam freely in my house or agency as if she had every right to do so.

I realise this only now, I was somehow pleased to show off in front of Sanem's eyes that I was still the object of that woman's desire, I was flattered and I didn't think at all about how this might make her feel.

How would I have experienced such a situation if the roles had been reversed?
Well, to say that I would have gone mad with jealousy is an understatement, I realise now that I was sadistic towards Sanem, well before leaving her I had tested her love in every way, but she  had never wavered, she had never given up.

And that's what I'm going to do now, I've made a lot of mistakes in the past but now I know what the right thing to do is, I take a deep breath and square my shoulders to regain control of myself, I turn around determinedly to reach the exit of the airport and my jeep.
A plan is slowly taking shape in my mind and I have to set about putting it into action right away.
The first step is to complete the HXC Cosmetics campaign as soon as possible. This is a very important contract for Fikri Harika and must be carried out in the best possible way. I owe it to my father, who will be home soon and deserves to find the agency back in its former glory, and then I owe it to her, to Sanem, who has worked so hard to make it a success and I will make sure it is a success by highlighting her contribution.

It's late when I get home but it doesn't matter, I have all the material shared on the agency's cloud space and I get straight down to work. It helps me get over the terrible anxiety I've been feeling since I saw her leave home with her suitcases in tow, and at the same time it gives me the impression of getting closer to my goal, to what needs to be done for her and for us.

I work for hours and hours without realizing it and so it will be for the days to come, I am a victim of the sacred fire of inspiration and the eagerness not to waste precious time, the sooner I complete this campaign the sooner I can go ahead with my plans.
The days pass quickly while I do nothing but work, I force the entire team to work hard but they all seem to be very involved in this project, each one of them is willing to make any sacrifice as long as the campaign is a success for the agency and to give credit to the enormous work of Sanem in conceiving it.

I work practically every hour of the day and most of the night for days on end, during which I sleep very little and do nothing but dream about her. I miss her enormously, I see the imprint of her inspiration and creativity in every detail I work on every day and I can't help wondering how she is, how the new work is going and.... I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her.
On my return from the Balkans she seemed even more beautiful than I remembered her during the long months when I was condemned to stay away from her, it may be that halo of self-confidence that now makes her more mature, perhaps more of a woman in my eyes, but it seems to me that I have fallen even more in love with the woman I already loved.

Every now and then the idea of that Hakan being close to her every day haunts me, I feel a prick in my heart at the idea that he might catch her eye or that she might be interested in him, the thought of that sits like a boulder on my chest and stops me from breathing.

But I can't afford to have such thoughts, I have to stay focused on my work and on what it takes to get her back.

My father will be in Istanbul soon and Emre has decided to officially ask for Layla's hand in marriage at Aydin's house in a fortnight's time, so Sanem can't miss such an important event for her family and her sister and I'm looking forward to seeing her again.

Everything is going well, I have made all the necessary contacts and I have taken care of all the pieces to carry out my plan, by now there is little left and also the campaign is now well underway and with the timing we should be in perfect shape.

I count the days and hours until I will see her again, I think and think about what I would like to tell her, what I would like to do for her, to convince her that she can trust me and my love again, it will not be easy but I will do everything I can to show her how I really feel.

It is with these thoughts in mind that I climb the stairs of the Fikri Harika and I start towards my office, I'm overthinking once again thinking about her as I do almost every moment when I'm not completely immersed in work.

I enter my office and it is only when I am now close to the desk that I look up to realise that my chair is occupied, or rather occupied by its rightful owner actually.

- Babam? Dad? You're already here, why didn't you tell us you were coming, we would have picked you up at the airport -

- Come here oğul son, give your old dad a hug, I missed you and your brother terribly, you know? -

We hug each other tightly, I sigh relieved to know he is finally cured, I was so afraid of losing him when I heard about his illness and I have no idea what I would have done without him who has been the one and only constant in my life.

- So, my son, what can you tell me? First tell me about yourself, then you can tell me about the job.

I shake my head desolately, I don't even know where to begin to tell him about how he managed to confuse the cards in my life, I had told him about a special girl at one point and he had asked me what happened to her when, some time later, I told him that I was leaving for a job in the Balkans for several months. At the time, I answered him with words dictated by reason, which at that moment had taken over all emotions, saying that maybe that girl was not so special after all.

Ah, how wrong I was at that moment!

From every point of view, personal as well as professional since it is thanks to her that Fikri Harika is getting a new lease of life with the HXC Cosmetics campaign.

I sigh, giving him a bitter smile - Ah dad, you have no idea how much I have mixed up the cards in my life, in the end that girl I told you about, Sanem, was much, much more special than I could have imagined and I pushed her away from me only to realise that I can't live without her.

It's a long story Aziz and now is not the place nor the time to tell you exactly how I was able to screw it up. Tonight, consider yourself invited to dinner tamam, OK? I want to hear all the details of your journey -

My father looks at me for a long time with intent, he would like to say a lot but in the end he utters a single sentence which can mean everything and more.

- If it is destined for you Can, rest assured, your efforts or fate will bring it back to where it belongs -

- I hope so babam, I'll do everything to make it so, that's for sure-

My father is right if we are destined for each other, as I feel deep in my heart now more than ever, we will find our way back to what we had and much more now that we have experienced what it means to lose what we know is the dearest thing in the world.

With renewed vigour I set to work.

Fifteen days, fifteen days and I will be able to set my eyes on her again and my plan will begin.