The albatross journey

17 - The journey

Can

Two months, I still have two endless months of work lost in the highest mountains of Kosovo before I can return. I realise that from when I last saw her looking at me through the glass windows of the airport terminal to now, I have been on a journey across continents and into myself, a journey that is bringing me awareness and regret.
It has been a crescendo of different emotions, as the confusion I felt when I decided to leave has given way to the lucidity needed to understand that she is as essential to me as the air I breathe.

The episode with that unknown girl in Podgorica was decisive, I became definitely aware that my heart ultimately wants her, only her, her or no one else and since then I can not stop thinking about how to remedy what I did. How can I go back to her and tell her that I've had second thoughts, that it's not over at all, but on the contrary my feelings seem to have grown and invigorated because of the constant nostalgia I experienced for her?

This journey has been THE JOURNEY for me, the journey to discover myself, my fears, my aspirations and the constant need I feel for her. Perhaps I had to make it to learn to be less impulsive, less uncompromising, more thoughtful in my actions and to understand what I really want.

I found that making a commitment to her scared me, I was afraid of such a strong feeling but now I realise I am much more afraid of not being able to feel complete without her beside me, I am afraid of not being able to be as happy again as I was when I was with her, I am terrified of losing her.

It is a journey that has changed me and is changing me profoundly, so much so that while moving from one region of Kosovo to another, in a small town, I passed a barbershop and a sudden impulse urged me to enter. I cut off that wild hair that represented a Can that I am no longer, I feel different, I feel somehow more aware and lucid, I have become aware of many things and the process is not yet over, it is still going on. I have changed inwardly and I feel the need to reflect this change also in my external appearance.

These new awareness led me to understand at a certain point that I can't do it, I can't stay until the end of the engagement, I feel the urgent need to come back and understand if there is still a chance for me, for us. I'm terrified that she might actually have decided that it was too much what I did to her, that she really doesn't want to have anything more to do with me.

I have to come back as soon as possible, I am doubling my daily efforts to complete all the planned work while staying in Kosovo, without having to go all the way to Albania. I want to come back at least a month earlier and, in the process, be close to my brother and Deren when HXC Cosmetics decides who is the winner of the competition to launch the new perfume.
I asked Emre to send me the details of the project as they came up, I was pleasantly surprised by the original and innovative idea that the creative director came up with, I like it, it's out of any conventional scheme and very engaging, I'm sure it can work.

I tried to give my contribution with some suggestions regarding the purely graphic part and I found myself working, through a dense exchange of emails, with a very sharp and enterprising woman.
I am more than convinced that Emre has made a good choice, I think that thanks to his direction the agency has a good chance of winning the campaign and if so I want to be with them, I want to go back to that agency job that scared me so much a few months ago. The life of a globetrotting photographer is no longer for me, I feel the need for roots, for a stable job, to belong to a place of my own, a place that I can truly call home not only because of the presence of walls and ceilings but also where I can find the love and warmth that I never had in the past. I want things I have never remotely dreamed of before and I am fully aware that only with her can I have them, I hope with all my heart that it is not too late.

I work during the day with my camera and lenses and at night editing and developing the photos in order to speed up the process and get back as soon as possible.
I have no idea what to expect in Istanbul, I don't know anything about her anymore, I don't even know how to get hold of her as she has apparently changed her phone number.
She has never been very active on social media, but since I left I have gone several times to check her profile to find out about her, only to find that it has never been updated. This is disturbing to me, it feels like she is unreachable, distant... I don't want to think I've lost her forever.
I'm not sure I can face such an eventuality, I have to go back, I need to go back to her, but the terrible doubt is: will there still be room for me in her life?