The albatross journey

27 - Never again

I walk up the stairs of Fikri Harika leaving behind many people I have learned to really love and, at the same time, an important chapter of my life.

This is where it all began, my life, my real life began on the day of Fikri Harika's 40th anniversary in the company and then in the theatre. It is as if all the years of daydreaming had no other purpose than to prepare me for the most beautiful love story that could only begin in an unexpected and magical way.

Within the walls of this agency we experienced the first shy approaches, the growth of our feelings and passion and then the fights and misunderstandings. It was here that I met love for the first time, a new and all-embracing feeling for me, which I believed to be precious and unique and which, instead, was trampled on and denied.
It was like dying, having to face the reality that this unique feeling was no longer there, or that perhaps it had never been there on his part. It destroyed me, it annihilated me and I can't let that happen anymore, I can't believe it.

I leave the agency with tears in my eyes, I don't know if it's because of nostalgia, which I already feel for that camaraderie and easygoing atmosphere that I loved so much in the agency, or because I relive once again the heartbreak of the loss of a dream, the loss of the one I thought was my completion, the rest of me.

I take a taxi home and start packing my bags, ready to leave for the first time the nest that has welcomed and protected me since I was born. The time has come for me to take flight towards something that is unknown but at the same time causes me the excitement typical of a challenge. The experience at Fikri Harika over the last few months has been essential in order to become aware of myself and my potential, to be able to face this new adventure with the firm determination that if I am able to give everything I will also be able to do my best, to do great things.

For the little girl from the neighbourhood who seemed to have no future or prospects other than continuing to work in her family's emporium, this is great revenge and a point of pride.

It doesn't take long for me to pack everything I need to go and live my life elsewhere in two large suitcases, no longer the erkenci kuş of my babam, no longer the dreamy girl who woke up early every morning to go and open the shop in her neighbourhood, nor the handywoman at Fikri Harika.

I'm going to a new city, to a new flat where I'll be living alone for the first time, I'll be starting a new job as a copywriter and who knows what else awaits me in a future that I see as completely dedicated to work, with no more room for feelings like love.

He... I don't want to think about him any more, I have to concentrate on what's happening in my life and what awaits me in the near future.

I open the door of my room and my father is there, ready to carry my suitcases downstairs, with his tender look that already speaks of nostalgia and lack but at the same time expresses a deep pride and satisfaction for my achievements.

In silence we go downstairs where my sister and my mother are waiting for us at the front door. Layla is the first to approach, and she embraces me in a hug full of sisterly affection that we have only recently learned to express, but which says a lot about how much we have always loved each other.

I pull her away to look her in the eyes and promise her - I'll see you for your engagement, big sister, I wouldn't miss it for anything in the world, just tell me when and I'll be here at your side to help you prepare the worst of the savoury coffees for your groom - She smiles at me with tears in her eyes unable to speak at the moment.

Then it's my mother's turn, she, my rock, my reference point in every storm, the woman who has always been my example of firmness and determination in every situation. She approaches me with her eyes shining with emotion, she puts her hands on my shoulders and says- We are proud of you Sanem, find your own way, discover the world, but remember that we are here for you at any time if you need us-
She stops for a moment looking for my gaze in the way only she knows how to do.
She pauses for a moment, searching for my gaze in a way that only she knows how to do, that way that wants you to understand that you have to read the hidden meaning of her apparently simple words.
- Remember that in life nothing is black and white, that one can make mistakes and that the strongest is not the one who holds a grudge but the one who knows how to forgive, understand and welcome. The path is long, it is essential to understand with whom you want to walk it and there is only one person in the world who knows the right way to hold your hand during the long journey of life. We have to be careful not to risk losing who we are meant to because of fear or our own stubbornness. Do what you think is best for you my daughter, but remember my words tamam, alright? -

I nod unable to reply to her words that I know will stay with me for a long time, I know I have to analyse and process them to make them my own and understand what they really say to my heart. I hug her tightly, I clasp myself tightly to that chest that has always been my refuge and comfort, knowing that I will miss her enormously.

I wipe away a wandering tear and then pull myself together, open the front door to find the taxi I had asked for a short time before ready on the street, watch my father load my bulky suitcases and return to the door to take my mother's hand. How beautiful they are together, I feel a tug at my heart when I think of how much I have always wanted a love like theirs, but obviously it was not to be.

I get into the taxi and look out of the window for a last goodbye and a kiss on the tip of my fingers, the taxi leaves and I leave them like that, hand in hand, they greet me, trying to smile to make me leave with the lightest heart possible.

I know it's not easy for them, they've been exceptional in accepting my sudden decision, I feel very lucky to have them. I see Layla put a hand on each one's shoulder to comfort them in some way, I'm happy that she's there with them to support them and keep them company now that I won't be there every night sitting at the table telling the funniest anecdotes of the day.

The journey to the airport through the thousand lights of my Istanbul is also an inner journey, the last time I travelled this road I was thinking of him leaving me forever. Now I am the one who is leaving and leaving behind forever the dreams of a broken love, an impossible love, a love that did not resist the first difficulty.

There is sadness and melancholy as there was then, but at the same time there is now resignation and a desire to get on with my life. These months have made me stronger, the disappointment has made me grow and learn from my mistakes, never again will I put someone at the centre of my life, never again will I allow someone else to possess my heart and soul and then destroy me without mercy. Never again Sanem, never again.

It is with these intentions in mind that I get out of the taxi once we arrive, pay the fare and pass through those doors that I had hardly been able to see months before when I had escaped from that airport with my eyes flooded with tears and my heart in pieces. I look around, inebriated this time by the frenzy that one breathes there, by the air of novelty and opportunity that always seems to accompany those who leave as well as those who arrive.

I am heading towards the check-in area when I hear a voice, HIS voice, the voice I was convinced I would never hear my name again.

I freeze in place without turning around, I close my eyes for a moment, how can it be him? What is he doing here?

In an instant he's in front of me, he puts his hands on my arms and places two fingers under my chin to force me to raise my head and meet his eyes.

- Don't go lütfen please, Sanem, don't make the same mistake I did, don't think you can live without something that is part of us, that is the essence, don't delude yourself like I did that you can survive without our love -