The albatross journey

13 - I lost myself

Can

Time passes with an exasperating slowness, I drag myself day after day trying to do my duty, but in no way do I manage to feel that excitement typical of my previous trips, being immersed in the wildest nature has always thrilled me and excited me deeply, but not this time.

Another month has passed and the feeling of heaviness in the centre of my chest continues unabated, I try my best to do the job I am paid for, but I realise that somehow I cannot find the exaltation and excitement that have always accompanied my adventurous travels around the world.
I am completely disconnected from my work and the nature around me, I no longer see the beauty around me as I used to, my mind is elsewhere.
I find myself in one of the most beautiful places in the world, I point my eye and my lens towards the waterfalls of Kravice, among the most beautiful and evocative in the world, and with a squeeze in my soul I realise that the wonder I have in front of me is not remotely comparable to the rapture that her smile caused me.

I stop for a moment, lower the camera lens and close my eyes, lifting my face to the sky.
What's wrong Can, can't you get her out of your mind?
You have made your decision, you have made your choice and now you cannot go back, you cannot retrace your steps because you have destroyed everything, you have turned your back on your opportunity.

I finish the day's work making an inhuman effort, I am not myself I realize it I sit at sunset on a hill overlooking the whole plain below set ablaze, at that moment, by the thousand shades of sky that I see burning on the horizon.

I am no longer myself, I am no longer that Can who used to reach every corner of the world with a light heart and a clear mind, I have changed, SHE has changed me.
She has made me know something that was unknown to me until I met her, she has made me touch with my own hands that feeling that no one had ever felt for me before, perhaps in part only my father.

It's all her fault, she's the one who made the carefree and rootless photographer into a being in need of that something that, now I'm beginning to realise, Sanem for the first time gave me unconditionally, that pushed me to feel and want for myself.

LOVE

I had not known motherly love, I had not known the brotherly love of the one brother who was taken away from me when we needed each other most, I had not sought and never wanted love from the women I had met over the years.

I had always run away from any situation that might require commitment or even remotely involve the feeling that was so foreign to me.

I didn't think I deserved it and I thought I couldn't feel it, yet she immediately managed to break through all my certainties and destroy all the walls I had built around myself, making me believe that living that love was possible.

But once again I decided to run away, I ran away from something powerful that could really force me to rethink my whole life, I went away thinking I would find myself for what I was and instead I lost myself, I lost myself completely.

I've thrown everything wonderful between us to the wind only to feel my soul burdened and my breath failing every time I think of her, I feel constantly torn apart by the grip of my mind that has decided to be here and my heart that wants to go back there.

I've lost myself, I'm no longer the wanderer free of constraints and restraints, but I'm also not the man Sanem deserved at her side, someone who could accept her love and return it without fear or doubt.

I've changed, SHE has changed me, I'm not the same anymore, but she doesn't care anymore because I've ruined everything between us and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.