The albatross journey

14 - Without him

Sanem

Returning to Fikri Harika is a bittersweet experience for me. I had left the publishing house and that building convinced that I would never return, not to work with Yigit, nor even at the advertising agency. It seemed to me at the time that I was done with both of them for good, but instead, a few weeks later, here I was again walking through that sliding door, up those stairs and into the agency as creative director, no less.

The little all-rounder has come a long way, it seems, but now she has to prove to everyone and herself what she's really made of.
Deren greets me with a heartfelt hug while Cey Cey can't sit still for a moment, blathering on about how I now have the power to fire him if I want to. I get my first genuine laugh in too long, I love him very  much as I love the guys from the agency who come around me giving me a festive welcome, I'm touched and I don't try to hide it.

Emre leads me towards the main office, the one that had been Aziz's and then Can's, I look around with a squeeze in my heart at the memory of what these walls have seen and felt, how many glances, how many sighs, how many stolen caresses of a relationship that seemed to be for life and instead was destined to be a flash in the pan, but now it's all in the past, a beautiful wonderful dream that was nothing but pure illusion.

- Thank you Emre, but I have no intention of occupying this office, if you don't mind I would like to take over the downstairs, I would use the archive as my office and the hallway as a permanent meeting room for the creative team.
We will all need to work together constantly and setting up downstairs allows the rest of the agency to get on with their routine work and meetings with other clients.

Deren and Emre nod in unison, it's decided, the guys start to carry the PCs and materials needed for the first briefing while I can't help but go for a moment to what has been one of my favourite corners of the agency. I approach the counter of the relaxation corner and look at the teapot ready to be started, in a moment I see in my mind all the cups of tea I have prepared for him, the tea that has united us from the first moments and made us feel like no one else around us.

I firmly grasp the pot of coffee and pour myself a large dose to take downstairs, my life has changed, I have changed, everything has changed suddenly and even that drink that we felt so much ours is no longer anything but a bittersweet memory of something that no longer exists.

I recover from this moment of weakness to turn around, cross the agency and go down the stairs to what will be my whole world for the months to come, I will work day and night if necessary, but I will not neglect the slightest detail, I will give my best and try to bring out the best in everyone who will undertake this journey with me.

This is what I tell the team first thing when we get together, we are a team, everyone is indispensable to the success of this journey, everyone has a crucial role and must feel free to express their ideas. I see smiling, confident faces around me and I realise that I have to do this, I have to give my all for myself and for those who are putting their trust in me.

That day a new page of my life and my existence begins, I am afraid but it is a beneficial fear that allows me to give my best, the adrenaline I feel pumping through my veins is what I need to give the best I can.

I am amazed at how quickly the team is getting into the right rhythm and harmony, we are still in the preliminary stages, but it is clear that we are working well and can do great things.

In two days' time the first test awaits me, the cosmetics company behind the competition, HXC Cosmetics, intends to meet the four competing agencies at the same time in a meeting during which they will explain the product they are launching and answer any questions so that everyone can work from the same information.

On the morning of the meeting I am definitely nervous, but at the same time determined and confident that I have the great team at Fikri Harika behind me. Layla forces me to wear a red trouser suit assuring me that it will surely bring me luck, for the moment I don't feel lucky at all having to wear shoes with exaggerated heels for my standards, but I realise that the honour of representing an illustrious agency like Fikri Harika requires the right dress code.

I arrive at the HXC Cosmetics headquarters with Deren right on time, we are shown into the meeting room, the chair next to mine is empty until the last minute, everyone is seated and the CEO is about to speak. Suddenly I feel the chair move so suddenly that I almost jump with fright, I look up in surprise at the unwary latecomer and find myself staring into two deep black eyes that look at me with amusement.

I lower my gaze, annoyed by the impertinence of this man who, moreover, has the audacity to lean towards me, whispering: 'The best tactic is to catch the competition off guard right away'.

I can't help smiling at the joke and shaking my head in amusement, you can't say the guy lacks nerve.
The meeting begins and all other thoughts are put aside to pay full attention to what the company requires from the agencies for the new product launch.

As I listen to the various speakers speak, I take notes and put down on paper the ideas that are buzzing around in my head here and there, I like the excitement of the challenge and I'm thrilled to get down to work.

The meeting ends with the agreement to meet every 15 days for the next two months to allow all the agencies to ask questions and give everyone the chance to get the same basic information.

I get up gathering all my things, a coloured crayon falls from the block where I had left it and rolls along the table, I reach out to retrieve it at the moment my neighbour is doing exactly the same, our hands are on each other. I look up at him and once again I see an amused expression, he lets go of the crayon and stands up resolutely, offering me his hand.

- I'm Hakan Demir, the creative director of the Hyal Etmek agency, pleased to meet you.

- Pleased to meet you, Sanem Aydin creative director of the Fikri Harika agency.

He nods as his smile widens - Well, well, well, it looks like I've sat right next to my most formidable competitor, as far as I know our agencies are the two favourites for this job.
So Sanem Aydin let me wish you good work, and may the best man win! -

I can't help but return his smile and handshake, I instinctively like this guy - Good work to you too Hakan Demir, and may the best man win!

That very afternoon the creative team gets to work, we need a winning idea, a new, brilliant idea that is out of the box and innovative.

I stay at the agency until late, when everyone has gone, I go upstairs and I can't stop myself for a moment from turning to look at the stairs, where I had found Can one night sitting drinking after our first break-up. Now that my mind has a moment's respite from work it is inevitable that this place brings back so many memories and now his words come to mind which, in the light of what has happened, take on a whole new meaning. He had told me that evening that he deeply desired his Sanem, that he missed his Sanem, but unfortunately I was not that Sanem.

We ascertained that the one he wanted, the perfect girl he had fallen in love with, only existed in his mind, it was not me and never could be.
I didn't understand it then, it had taken his abandonment and so much suffering to come to accept that a relationship based on such assumptions could not last and that it was inevitable that it would soon come to a final breakup.

I was learning to accept him little by little, I was learning to live my life, my new life, a different life ... a life without him.