The albatross journey

2 - Ready to leave

Can

I have made my decision, I accept Polen's job offer, I leave for the Balkans.

I left Istanbul and the dream of a love that I thought was for a lifetime, I had believed for the first time that this feeling could really exist for which poets fill pages and pages of beautiful poems that I love so much to read. I believed I had found the most beautiful treasure, her purity, her authenticity had made me fall madly in love with a girl I had only imagined.

She had lied to me before and somehow I had found a justification for her actions in that very naivety that had prevented her from seeing that Emre and Aylin were manipulating her against me and my father's company.

This time I can't find any justification for what she did, she knew that I hated even the idea of Fabbri finally getting her perfume, I had made it clear to her that it was only mine and yet she handed it over.

To make matters worse she then kept what she had done a secret from me, it was because of this secret that she couldn't accept the marriage proposal I made to her with all my heart on a cold winter afternoon. Only when I found out the truth did I understand the reason for her hesitation, her inability to accept and at the same time refuse my proposal, it was her guilt for her lies that had prevented her from doing so.

I can no longer trust a woman like that, I cannot entrust my heart to her, after what happened I would live in constant fear of seeing my trust in her betrayed once again, of being tricked once again and kept in the dark about essential facts in the name of her fear of my reaction.

How can a relationship grow and last without the fundamental ingredient of mutual trust?

I don't think it can, it is a relationship inevitably doomed to failure and that is what happened, Sanem decreed the end of our relationship with her behaviour, with her silence she destroyed any possibility of a future for us.

Nothing keeps me tied to Istanbul anymore, my father will be back soon and Emre is able to run the agency in the meantime, nothing and no one ties me to this city anymore, I'm going back to doing what I had always done in the past, travelling the world without ties or bonds of any kind.

The moment has arrived, the photo shoot is over, I start putting away my photographic equipment while I hear Yigit asking Sanem if she has brought her suitcase with her because they are going straight from the agency to the airport where a flight to Izmir is waiting for them.

I can't help but feel a dull ache in the middle of my chest at those words, I hate the idea of her leaving with that devious man whose ulterior motives she can't see, my breath catches in my throat as I look up at her. It shouldn't be any of my business anymore, we are nothing to each other and yet I can't help but feel angry at the idea of her leaving with him, that Yigit has slowly carved out his own space next to her, a space that, I realise, I have deliberately left free.

We look at each other for a long time, right now all I can think about is how beautiful she is, how much it still makes my heart beat just to look at her from a distance when all is lost. I force myself to take a deep breath as I tell myself that she is as beautiful as she is treacherous, I can't trust her anymore.
It was all a beautiful dream, but I knew it couldn't be true, I had never believed in love, I had never witnessed it directly, certainly not from my parents who had separated in the worst way when I was little.

I had only read about unique and indissoluble loves in novels or in poets' poems and, at a certain point, the strong emotions that only the beautiful girl who is looking at me seriously right now had made me feel, had deluded me that I had found it, that I could live a unique fairytale myself.

The facts have shown what I felt deep inside me, true love does not exist, you have to keep your heart under lock and key and not allow anyone to touch it, or what we can get in return is only the lacerating suffering I feel at this moment.

I am not happy to leave, I am fully aware of it, my traitorous heart is screaming at me not to do it, not to turn my back on her but rather to walk the few steps that separate us and take her in my arms not to let her go anymore.

But I can't, I can't trust her anymore, I have to leave, I have to forget her and all the stupid dreams I had about a future together. I will go back to being the solitary photographer who is constantly moving in complete freedom to discover and fix on photographic paper the wonders of the most remote corners of the world.

For the next six months it will be the Balkans, then who knows where my work and my restless soul will take me, at the moment I only hope it will take me as far as possible from her and from this pain that takes my breath away at the thought of not seeing her anymore.

Polen calls me - Can it's time, we have to go otherwise we risk not arriving in time at the airport - She has also decided to leave for London where I am going to sign the contract and make the necessary arrangements with the agency, then I will move to Belgrade.

I look at Polen for a moment then I return to look at Sanem, the moment has come.
- Hoşçakal, goodbye -

I move towards the exit, I pick up the jacket that I left on a sofa in the entrance and while doing so I turn to cast a last glance at that woman who I thought had become everything to me and now I don't know if I will ever see her again.
She is standing there, in that superb red dress that only emphasizes the beauty of her complexion, with her arms crossed she looks at me intensely without uttering a word, I can't help thinking "Keşke, if only things had gone differently, if she had been sincere, if she had trusted me" but by now it's too late, I turn resolutely to leave the door of the agency behind me and at the same time from her life, forever.