The albatross journey

56 - Feeling

Can

Her stubborn muteness in the car, the exchange of glances as silent as they are meaningful, are making me tremble deep inside. I don't understand why, but it feels as if the progress made with her today, during lunch at Mihriban's, seems to have been incomprehensibly undone.
I don't know what the explanation is, could it be that she has stiffened up when she discovers that I have been hiding the fact that I am her neighbour for several days?
Or could it be the knowledge that we are slowly getting closer?
I can understand her fear, her fear of believing in me again and finding the courage to give our love a new chance. I'm trying in every way to show her how much I care about her, I've organised the evening in a hurry but taking care of every detail so that it can be something unique and unforgettable because I would really like it to be a new beginning for us.

I help her out of the car and I hold her hand, I feel her resistance but I keep squeezing her to keep her close to me, I need to touch her and smell her perfume that has been ecstasy for me gradually turning into obsession and finally damnation.
We cross the bar and follow the waiter towards the dreamy corner I managed to reserve for us in the short time at my disposal. I moved heaven and earth immediately after taking her home, I called my friend, who is a policeman here in Ankara, who recommended this place assuring me that it is the most exclusive place you can find on the shores of the lake.

Everything is as I requested, candles lit on the edges and flower petals on the ground along the walkway leading to the romantically lit table prepared for us. I turn around anxiously to spy on her expression and feel my heart rise in my throat at the emotion I see reflected in her gaze. My Sanem is romantic to the core, I wanted her to experience an evening worthy of her dreaming fantasy, I know I can reach the deepest chords of her soul by making her daydreams come true. She is speechless, looks around, admires the last glimmer of sunset that forms the backdrop to the table where I accompany her and make her sit down, gallantly accompanying her chair before going to sit down in my turn in front of her. The waiter pours champagne into our glasses and discreetly walks away as I raise mine to her.

- 'Tonight is my birthday wish come true Sanem, I feel like I'm living a dream here with you, you are my dream...-'

She looks at me enraptured as she brings her glass to her lips taking a small sip of the contents, almost as if she wants to be brave, and then puts it on the table.

- What do you want from me Can? Where are you going with all this? What do all your beautiful words mean? Do you know that I find it hard to believe that they are sincere?
My grandmother used to say "He who gets scalded by hot water is also afraid of cold water".
What have you been to me, Can, if not the worst of burns?

-Give me this evening Sanem, I'm making the same request as I did during our picnic on the lake: Forget for one night what happened.
Let's spend a few hours together out of time and the events of the past, it's you and me, a man and a woman looking into each other's eyes by candlelight, enjoying each other's company and maybe falling a little in love with each other because they feel that there is a unique chemistry between them, something special that they will never experience again with anyone else.
Lütfen please, this is the only gift I want, can you give me this gift Sanem? -

She looks at me for a long time in silence, I can almost imagine every single argument he is making inside herself. The good heart of Sanem, who can't deny me anything on my birthday, is confronted with reason, or maybe her famous inner voice, which advise her not to let go, not to allow me to get too close if she doesn't want to suffer anymore.

I tilt my head to one side almost holding my breath in anxious anticipation, which side of her will prevail?

She lowers her head and her gaze, sighs and goes back to staring into my eyes resolutely.