Left To Survive

XXVI

3 AM

With a loud gasp I woke up. My heart was racing, I could feel it pulsating through my whole body. I kept gasping for air, but it felt like nothing was going inside my lungs, yet still I could feel my own breathing get faster with the minute.

Panic attack.

It's okay, I tried telling myself, it happens every night. You're not dying. It will get over. But my brain didn't listen.

I sat upright against my wall, looking up at the ceiling. My breathing still hasn't calmed down. I kept moving my limbs, because they felt filled with energy. I had to move. I had to escape, get out, get it over with.

But it was not over yet. I tried to let it get over me, I kept telling myself it was going to be over soon.

Suddenly my head felt light and dizzy, my sight went blurry. A big wave of nausea came over me, and realizing I was about to throw up I dragged the clean bucket, that I always kept under my bed, up to me and spilled the wave of vomit in it. I ended up throwing up twice until my stomach was satisfied.

Exhausted from the attack I leaned back against my wall. Breathing has calmed down, but my body felt drained and empty. After some minutes of breathing myself down from the shock, I got up and went down to the kitchen to grab myself some water to calm down. I took my phone with me.

Filling the glass I checked my messages: some reminders, and also a last text from Jaden, that I didn't see because I fell asleep on him. Oops.

23:26 - Ha! Yeah that would be amazing!

23:56 - I think you fell asleep, so goodnight! Anyways, I'm going to sleep now. If you need anything, text me! :)

Why was he being so sweet? Probably out of pity. But that didn't mean I can't enjoy our friendship while it lasted. I answered him:

Me: Sorry, fell asleep.

After a minute he answered me back:

Jaden: Why are you up so late? Are you alright?

I chuckled. I could ask you the same mister :)

Jaden: True thing.

Jaden: Lisha, I have an idea. And before you say no, hear me out.

ꕥ ꕥ ꕥ ꕥ ꕥ ꕥ ꕥ ꕥ

The next day

19 May

3 PM

"So," Jaden asked me when we finally settled down on our picnic blanket, "what are your plans for the summer?" I laughed, my mouth still full of strawberries with chocolate. I almost spit them out. Then I choked a bit on them and Jaden ended up softly hitting my back so that I didn't die.

"Why do you ask, Jaden? Do you want to ask me out, have a summer romance?" I kept on laughing, the idea was hilarious. But when I looked at him, I saw on his face that he was hurt. "Oh, come on J, I didn't mean it like that. We're just friends, it was a joke. And I'm sure you'll find someone this summer, all girls I know are going crazy over you." I rolled my eyes and took another bite of the chocolate strawberries.

We were silent for a bit. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, life just seemed to go on. Even if we had lost someone, even if we felt as if we were at the end of the world, nature didn't bother. Nobody really cares in the end I guess, so we have to care.

This night Jaden had invited me to a picnic. He said I could use some new good memories. So I agreed. Even though I wanted to blow it off when (both!) my parents were teasing me about my "date". It was not a date. Jaden was a friend, I felt literally no attraction to him. He had been there for me during this time, since he's arrived, he had always been loyal to me. So it was the least I could do back. Plus, the weather was amazing.

I had packed some sandwiches and a cake, and had taken a big picnic blanket. Jaden brought strawberries, grapes and coffee. It was all very nice and joyful, and I've been having fun.

Talking with Jaden was... refreshing. He was very open about himself, and made me laugh constantly. He wasn't insensitive or rude, and he seemed to enjoy spending time with me. I did hope so, it'd be devastating to lose another friend. because he was my only friend.

Yet we'd never talked about Yara. Too fresh. I didn't want to talk about her.

After eating we laid down on our backs on the blanket, to look at the clouds. Jaden made some funny comments about the clouds, looking like characters from the muppet show. At a certain point I felt my hand touch his'. I felt like he was slowly placing it over mine, to hold it, but suddenly a strong wind came and split our hands. I looked in the other way, blush all over my cheeks. "We should go back, I have some homework left."