The Beanie

Chapter 29

There I sat once again, upon a moving plane heading towards London almost 4 hours into the journey I know all to well. Not a single light shining in the sky, no moon to see nor stars to gaze upon. Just pitch black endless skies...

I had an amazing night with Oli, like everyone other time I saw him. We barely knew each other yet we acted the opposite, the waitress who served us assumed we were a couple and called us an 'old married couple'. Only because Oli kept drinking my lemonade whenever I was distracted. But there was the usual talking cute, hugging, play fighting and occasional hand holding, so I guess it would of been easily assumed we were together.

During the drive to the airport though, I told him everything. All about this stupidly fucked up mess between Alex and I. When Alex and everyone else acted weird, when he admitted it, the other catastrophe moments, our kisses, everything.

By the time we reached my destination, Oli stopped me from walking inside just to ask me a question. Something I didn't even know how to answer...

"Did you love him back..?" Oli's voice so quiet I had to think and string together the words. "I do not love..." I could definitely feel my eyes glossing over and starting to pool up with bitter tears. No. No more being weak, no more tears... I blinked them back as my back was already facing him before he asked. "You may think that, but Raven... You know you do..."

The worst thing, was that Oli wasn't wrong...

I didn't even notice that my eyes had welled up with tears as a few drops slid down my rosy cheeks and landing in my lap. No. I don't need anymore tear stained cheeks. Especially when Alex is the reason. All my tears have been because of the bastard!

That bastard, who I knew I've fallen for... And hard... Why? I dont know. My emotions have been tampered with and destroyed, within a few weeks. A lifetime of being at each other's necks and now, now I look at him in a way I wish would be forbidden.

Love...

Even thinking of it made me cringe and look back into the past. That word has never been good to me, it has never led me somewhere I wanted, and worst if all, it's never been spoken and meant by the same person twice... Obviously it meant nothing to everyone else, call me different but that word has more power then it's given credit for.

I don't want to love. I can't love. And I won't let myself love.

If I truly meant something to Alex he would do something about it. Instead of letting me fix his own mistakes, I'm not a people pleaser.

But what honestly hurts the most... Is that I know he won't do anything... I've done plenty to fuck it up, and he's watched me. He's let me ruin everything and won't ever love me...

Why...

Why is love so, impossibly dangerous..?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Worst. Day. Of. My. Life. I came home pissed and stressed...

Night x