Gwynriel

For Catrin

The smell is what hits me first. Next comes the sounds. Sight is what comes last as panic takes root. I move to sit up as fast and as quietly as I can but the second I get my head off the cold white snow I'm falling. 

Smack. 

My head hits the ... desk? I rise from the ground to see that I'm not in the Illyrian mountains but back in my dormitory. Will these dreams ever stop? I thought I was making progress. I thought I was doing better. Why do males need to step in at every turn? Why do I let them effect me? I won the blood rite! I beat those Illyrian brutes! Why can't I just accept that. I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm in Velaris! 

Are you in Velaris? 

Oh shut up you! Of course I'm in Velaris. The second my verbal smack talk is over I get it. I'm in the library, not Velaris.  

The cold sinking feeling of panic starts back up as I think of the city. I was so close to wanting to go out, to see the city. Even if it was just a quick walk down one street, I was almost there. I wanted to go out. Now those thoughts bring me right back to those mountains, to all those males being pressed so close to me, to fighting me, to wanting to kill me. The thoughts shift to a different set of males, to a sister I've failed, to hazel eyes. 

Breath Qwyn, Breath. I am the rock on which the surf crashes, I am Valkeyrie. I can save myself. I did save myself. 

I open the bottom draw from the desk that just assaulted me to bring out more paper and my quill. I take another breath and let the ink talk for me. 

I never know what is going to come out of me and onto the pages but its always helped. My hand starts moving and the first word that comes out is Catrin. My memories take over and guide my hand as I loose myself to the past. 

Giggles are the only thing that can be heard as I turn the corner to see Catrin on her tip toes balancing on a chair. She's trying to stretch up to the top cupboard as little Casey is laughing through his words "You're so close!" 

"Catrin!" I run over laughing trying to stabilize the chair in the old airy kitchen and she shouts to leave it.

"I need to get Casey a cookie! Help me or go look out!" Her look of total concentration is one to rival the most of scholars as she finally gets the cupboard door open. 

"What did you do this time?" My face can't hold the stern expression as little Casey runs up to me. I swoop him up into my arms and he laughs into my shoulder. "She" giggle" "was kissing" giggle giggle "Christian!!!!" He almost shouts the name and I almost drop him form the surprise. 

"Catrin!"  I laugh yell. 

"Hey you said no snitching for a cookie!" The look of complete outrage on her face turns Casey's red just as the head priestess walks through the stone archway. 

"Well hello Catrin, Gwyneth" she nods to both of us. "Oh little Casey what have the twins been up to this time" We hold our breath knowing little Casey doesn't know any better, "She's getting me a cookie!" he yells and throughs his hands up for emphasis. She walks over to me and takes Casey into her own arms. "You little dove, always around for when these two get into things. Go wash up before dinner Mr. I don't want to see those dirt filled nails at the table!" She gives him a point and sets him down. His feet start kicking on the way down and with that windup he speeds out of the kitchen. 

The head priestess looks between the two of us and is trying not to smile. "Who did the little guy catch this time?" It was almost an instantaneous answer. "Me" came from the both of us. Catrin looks at me with a sharp look and tells the priestess that it won't happen again. She just laughs, "I'll make sure to let Christian know, just don't stray too far from this temple Miss Adventure" 

A tear falls onto the paper as I put it in the opposite draw, the one filled with all of my other memories. It's starting to get too full, I'm gonna need another soon. I wish my sister was here with me. I wish I had her courage. She would take one look at Velaris and never come back inside. She would be ashamed to see me like this. All the adventures we had together just wasted on some paper, her sisterly tips and tricks to boys gone to dust. I wish I could've been a part of the life she would have led. 

I lay back down on my bed, thoughts of Catrin swirling around and I finally dose off. Only after promising myself that I will live, only because she can't. I will experience life and I will write to her about everything. Starting tomorrow, I will start taking steps to living the life that she would be proud to see.