Gwynriel

Conflict

I'm still winning against the ceiling in my bedroom in our staring contest. Sleep hasn't come, it never comes, it won't come. 

If there was any night I need sleep, it's tonight. Rhys wants me checking out the camps every morning since my discovery the other day. It seems there may be a rebellion in Illyria, just what everyone wants to deal with right now.  

I sigh and turn my head towards the bedroom door, I can still smell her. It's like her scent is permanently stuck in my nose. 

Her words replay over and over in my head and I can still feel her in my arms. 

I like this

I almost shiver at the intensity those words were spoken. I don't know what is more crazy to me, the fact that she uttered those three words or the fact that I said them back. 

I haven't been held or held anyone else since, well I guess a long time if I can't remember. Sex sure, I've had a lot of sex with a lot of people but nothing ever like that. Nothing that was meant for comfort, to just be in that persons presence. 

I rub my face as I realize the meaning behind those words, the action. She trusts me. For whatever reason that is one of the most difficult things to wrap my mind around. 

This creature of pure beauty and strength took me in, scars and all, and enjoyed me. Just me, hugging her. Nothing else, nothing sexual, nothing to scratch an itch. She just wanted me. 

I know she started that on a different path, maybe it was to scratch an itch or to dip her toes into something new with someone she trusts. Honestly if she took that any further I know I would have complied, if that makes me a horrible male I'm a horrible male but it's like she has a spell cast on me. I can't pull away. I would pull away if she asked, if she got uncomfortable, if she wanted to stop, but I would never deny her. Not anymore. 

A smile tugs at my lips as I remember her crashing into her doorframe, too entranced in her book to notice where she was going. 

I guess plumping is important, a full grin has taken place and the pull on my face feels weird.

I close my eyes, letting the ceiling win tonight, and I see Gwyn, I take a breath and try to sleep. Maybe envisioning a Goddess will help with that. 

It's not until I hear a low hum coming from across the hall that I finally manage to let sleep take over me. 

--------------------------------------------------

My stomach drops as I land in front of the River House. My discoveries today weren't anything too out of the ordinary but I have a horrible feeling about tonight. 

I make my way into the house and I'm bombarded with way too many scents. 

Great

I take a deep breath and push my way in. I can do this, I can deal with people. 

As soon as I make it to the main room I know why my senses were going haywire. Sitting next to Feyre is no one else but Lucien. I immediately search the room for Elain, not unnoticed by said male, and see she's not here. 

I breath a little easier knowing she's not somewhere that'll make her uncomfortable, she is my friend after all. 

My eyes snap to the three Valkyries sitting on the couch by the fire and I almost smile at the trio. It's nice that Emerie could make it out of the Mountains to join us for family dinner. 

My heart stops as Gwyn stands up and makes her way to me. I'm still standing in the doorway so everyone watches as she comes closer. 

"Hey, I was worried you weren't gonna make it time for dinner" She nervously laughs, I kind of like that laugh. 

Her smile wobbles and I realize I'm just standing here, probably drooling, looking like an idiot, in front of everyone. 

I just shake my head no and she leans against the doorframe next to me. Everyone goes back to their own conversations and I feel my shoulders loosen. 

"You okay?" She cocks her head to the side and I realize she's assessing me, seeing if I have injuries. 

This female is going to be the death of me if she keeps looking at me like she cares. On the other hand I don't want her to worry, I'm fine. I've always been fine. 

"Yeah" is all I manage to get out. I take another breath and try to remember where I am. 

I am with my family, I am with Gwyn. I am okay. 

I take another breath. 

I hate the feeling of everyone watching me, it's like the walls are closing in. 

My heart stops as I feel her hand lace its way into mine. I freeze. 

Her thumb starts to stroke calming little circles into my palm and I put all my focus on that feeling. On how relaxing that touch is. 

This is Gwyn. We do this now I guess. I do like this. 

I can't believe it's also helping. I look back down to her and I'm tempted to smile. 

Smash

We both jump at the noise and turn simultaneously towards the entryway our backs are too. 

There she is, Elain, with a smashed vase by her feet, water is everywhere and one of her beautiful flowers is on the ground. 

She stands there frozen, with a look of pure horror on her face. Lucien tries to push his way past me and Gwyn but we form an impenetrable wall. I guess she knows enough of this situation to not let him near her and I sure as hell won't. 

If she doesn't want him around, I can help with that. 

"Get out of my way" He practically snarls in our ears. Cassian grabs him off us and Feyre runs to Elain.

"Are you okay?" She asks her sister. 

She looks at me with heart broken eyes, "How could you?" 

I'm taken back. How could I what? It's not until I look down at Gwyn and I's joined hands that I realize she would have seen our interaction together, she might have heard what was said. 

So many conflicting emotions take root and I don't know how to keep going. I feel terrible that I hurt this precious flower in front of me and I also feel angered that she could try to use something that made me feel good against me. Like Gwyn's silent comfort is a bad thing. 

I don't have to say anything as both Amren and Nesta scoff. 

"Girl you better not go down this road right now" She looks pointedly at Lucien. 

Nesta looks like she is about to explode, I can see Rhys trying to figure out his game plan. Restrain Lucien or Nesta. 

"How could he what, Elain?" Rhys starts to make his way towards the Valkyrie when she holds up a hand at him to stop and Emerie takes a step to block him from her. 

"How could he possibly want someone that isn't mated? How could he what?" Elain looks like she is about to break down and I still don't know what to do. My shadows want to stay by my side and I'm still conflicted. 

Is she upset about Gwyn and I? About her giving me comfort? Something that Elain has never done, she's been kind and soothed my feelings but never actually took a step to comfort me, to follow through with caring about a person. 

My stomach turns rotten as I think a nasty thought. 

Has she been using me?

I look over to Lucien and then back to her. 

"Why?" Is all I manage to get out. I don't know if the others in the room can follow along but I know she can. 

"I, I don't" She looks lost and looks anywhere but me. 

She didn't say because I care about you, she didn't even try to say anything. I'm an escape from her mate, nothing more, nothing that doesn't have to do with me being something pretty to look at. 

The rotten feeling turns and I want to leave. I just want to leave. 

My shadows understand the command and I'm gone from the room, my heart further shattered.