Gwynriel

I'm Here

I smile down again at this amazing male in front of me and put my head on his shoulder. I drape my half covered legs over his and snuggle into his side. 

A big part of me feels triumphant, I can't believe I just did that. I can't believe he let me have that much power over him and I can't believe how much I liked having that power. Another part feels wonder at the fact that I was even able to do that, that I wanted to do that after last night. 

Shame starts to take center stage as last night replays in my mind. He was not okay then, I assumed he was now. 

"Are you okay?" The over the top comfortable shirt I've been wearing suddenly feels itchy as I look down to see that it's only going down to my mid thigh now that one of my legs is crossed over one of his and under the other leg while the other has managed to make its way under his knee. I've completely wrapped myself around him.

He looks down at me suddenly at my question, "I'm more than okay, why? Are you okay?" 

He suddenly feels very still, waiting for my answer, "I shouldn't have done that to you this morning, I'm sorry." 

I start to untangle myself when his hands find their way to my bare thigh's to stop me. I don't think I've fully noticed how big those hands were before, they encircle my entire thigh and do nothing to stop the heat rising in me again.

"I don't want you to be sorry" He pauses, "Unless you don't want this, just tell me to stop and I will" 

He doesn't want me to be sorry? Did he like that? Well I'm very aware how much he liked that but still. 

A small smile makes its way to my face, "I ..." I start to say. I do want this, I just don't know what this is or how much of this I want. 

"I don't know what we're doing but I like it. I don't, I don't know how much I want, where my line is." My voice starts to drift off and he picks up my hand with his. 

"I'm here" was all he said, this male of many words, but somehow I manage to understand what he means. He's here, if I need him in any way he'll be there for me. 

"I'm here" is all I say back, his eyes glint down towards mine and a small smile almost peaks its way out. I'm tempted to laugh, I guess not many people understand his words when he uses so little. 

He snuggles me closer and I'm reminded again of last night, "Are you okay though? I'm not too sure what happened in the River House but," I drift my words off again, not knowing if this is something he wants to talk about, if he wants to talk at all. 

The room suddenly feels heavy and I wish I could take it back. I want to tell him he doesn't have to answer that but, I kind of want to know and what if I say that and then he never talks to me? Like I'm shutting him down or something? 

I hold my breath and wait. 

He takes a moment to and looks back at me, he takes a big breath and starts to talk but nothing comes out. 

I run my thumb over his hand and tuck my head back into his shoulder. Maybe he just needs some time to think of something to say, he isn't one for talking in the first place. I can be patient and he can take all the time he needs. 

I feel his chest rise with another big breath and on the exhale he finally speaks,

"I thought she was different" is the only thing he manages to choke out, after another long pause with no interruptions of my thumb stroking his palm he gets another bit out, 

"I thought she cared about me, not a bond" 

My heart cracks at the words. I know there was something going on with him and Elain and with what I saw last night I'm assuming that bond he's talking about is her mating bond with Lucien. Those bonds are so rare and he seems like a good male, especially if he's involved with the inner circle.

Nesta's words from our girls night hit me like a ton of bricks. Was she using Azriel? 

I brush my nose up his shoulder and breath in his scent. I push my lips to his shoulder and whisper, "I care about you," and gently place a kiss on the same spot. 

I push myself back up and run my fingers through his hair, I've wanted to do that for so long. 

I put some pressure to it and make it almost like a massage and my heart melts at the look on his face. 

He looks caught between sorrow and relief mixed in with relaxing pleasure from my mini massage. 

After watching the tension slowly leave him to the point I think he's fallen back asleep he blurts, "I like this" 

I can't stop the smile that blooms across my face. 

His eyes snap back open, his face contorts like he ate something sour and my stomach drops. 

"Training" is all he bites out and I feel my face match his. The dread doesn't leave my gut as I realize I have to face my sisters again after last night. 

"Would it be terrible if I never go back?" As soon as the words leave my mouth I wish I could take them back. 

I groan, "I didn't mean that I just," I stop myself as I realize how easy this is, talking to him. I really almost just threw out everything that happened last night considering my little episode happened after he left. 

I feel his hand start to make relaxing strokes on my thigh and I take a breath. I look back down to him and I can tell he knows something is up, that he wants to hear what's on my mind. 

I take another deep breath in, "I was kind of jerk last night after you left." Once the words started they just kept coming, I told him everything. I told him about the terror that overtook me from Rhys's powers and how Nesta and Emerie tried to help but I couldn't tell who was who. 

His relaxing strokes turned into just his thumbs stroking and his hand gripping my thigh. He understands not knowing where he is or who's who. I know that from the change in his body and from the events of last night. I don't know what he's been through but maybe one day he'll tell me.  

He takes another breath and kisses my shoulder, "Are you okay?" 

I wasn't expecting that question, I don't know what I was thinking he would say or do but it wasn't that, maybe I thought he'd defend his high lord but instead he just, just cared about me? 

"I am now, I feel terrible how I treated everyone. I know I need to apologize and I know Rhys didn't mean what he did" I trail off, I don't know what else to say. 

Azriel looks quilty, "You have nothing to be sorry for, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have created that mess." 

I'm shocked again, "None of that was your fault, none of it was really anyone's fault." 

"Let me make it up to you, for that and for staying with me last night." 

"Make it up to me? Why would I want you to make that up? I want to be here for you and you want to be here for  me. No one owes anyone anything" I get out maybe a little too aggravated, no one owes anyone for kindness. 

I felt something solidify at my words. Some kind of bond, nothing crazy but it felt like a brick being put on top of the last little brick of our friendship, because that's what he is now, my friend. 

I smile again, until he disrupts my little world of snuggles and small kisses, "Let's go to training" 

I manage to get back to my room only by not looking back towards the Illryian in bed and get ready for the day.