Gwynriel

Friendships

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

I am Gwyneth Berdara. 

I am the rock against which the surf crashes. 

I repeat my mantra all the way up to the training ring. I can do this. 

My hands start to shake with nerves but I can do this, I can handle this. 

My foot hits the top step and they descend on me.

"Are you okay?" Comes from Nesta as Emerie rushes to my side. She halts herself like she thought better of it at the last moment and the churning feeling in my stomach twists again. 

"I'm so sorry" is the first thing out of my mouth, "I didn't mean to treat you both that way" Shame starts to mix with the quilt. I love my sisters but talking about trauma and letting them see my trauma are two very different things. 

"Don't you ever apologize for that" Comes so fast out of Nesta's mouth that I snap up. 

"The side effects of the things you've been through are not your fault. They never will be." Emerie looks at me so sternly I know she means what she says. 

If either one of them were me last night, I would be telling them the exact same thing, so why don't I believe what they're telling me?

"If you'd like to make up for anything why don't you get in the ring?" Comes from Cassian. I didn't even realize him coming up to us, "I'm going to spend more time with you today if that's alright with you" I can see from the set of his shoulders that he's feeling guilty. 

"Why do you look so guilty? It's unsettling." I try to play off. Cass's smile droops and the girls walk towards the weapons rack. 

"You didn't use your training." Didn't use my training?

"Oh Cass, oh no." It's hard to form words for what I'm feeling. How could he possibly blame himself for this?

"Your training had nothing to do with this, I just, how can you train for that? I've been studying and training Valkyrie techniques and I didn't apply any of those last night." The second the words are out I feel the weight of them. Why didn't I use mind stilling? 

"May we train today?" The rawness in those words are enough to knock the wind out of me. How did I manage to have such amazing people in my life? I can see him trying to fight that rawness, I force down my tears and nod, "Of course General."

Azriel showed up to training to help with the others while Cass and I trained the entire time. This was a new challenge, I know how distracting the shadowsinger can be but this was a different level than before. 

I had to forget what he felt like when I saw his arms flex, I had to ignore the way I remembered shivering at the curve of his lips when I saw him talk. I had to stop my eyes from darting right to him. 

Not only was he distracting but Cass's training was up ten notches if that was even possible, he's wiping the floor with my ass and if I could just stop looking over I would have this. 

This did not go unnoticed by the pain in my ass known as Cassian and the grin on his face when he connected the dots made me a little dizzy. 

"Well, well, well" he looks pointedly at Azriel and back to me, "Someone certainly smells familiar, I guess you and Shadowboy use the same shampoo." 

I know I shouldn't have but my eyes dart to said Shadowboy, his entire back side is towards me and I can see every muscle on that wonderous backside has locked up. 

"You wouldn't believe the laugh I had when I thought our deliveries were messed up." I sling back and see his shoulders loosen. Does he want people to know about whatever this is? I guess maybe that should have been included in this mornings little chit chat.